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Top Ten Things Mary Jane may have whispered to Mephisto

10) Laugh real loud so everyone will think I’m classy enough to be saying something funny right now so they won’t know I’m dying inside.

9) So tell me: Does the carpeting match the drapes?

8) I gotta pee.

7) My broker is E.F. Hutton, and E.F. Hutton says…

6) There is another Skywalker.

5) So how’s Saddam?

4) They're real...and they're spectacular.

3) Your fly’s unzipped.

2) Would you tell your friends in the producer’s guild to settle with the writers already?

1) Happy New Year.

ONE MORE DAY

Since opinions on "One More Day" keep threading their way into other posts, even though they are of no relevance, I figured the simplest thing was to begin a comments thread for it even though I had nothing to do with it.

What do I think of it? Well, I have not read it, to be honest, since I knew the story particulars for months now. Let us just say that it is not the direction I would have taken things.

PAD

And the WGA breaks the silence

Below is a letter just sent around by WGA East president Michael Winship addressing the very questions I raised earlier. This is getting interesting.

To Our Fellow Members,

We are writing to let you know that have reached a contract with David Letterman's Worldwide Pants production company that puts his show and The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson back on the air with Guild writers. This agreement is a positive step forward in our effort to reach an industry-wide contract. While we know that these deals put only a small number of writers back to work, three strategic imperatives have led us to conclude that this deal, and similar potential deals, are beneficial to our overall negotiating efforts.

First, the AMPTP has not yet been a productive avenue for an agreement. As a result, we are seeking deals with individual signatories. The Worldwide Pants deal is the first. We hope it will encourage other companies, especially large employers, to seek and reach agreements with us. Companies who have a WGA deal and Guild writers will have a clear advantage. Companies that do not will increasingly find themselves at a competitive disadvantage. Indeed, such a disadvantage could cost competing networks tens of millions in refunds to advertisers.

Second, this is a full and binding agreement. Worldwide Pants is agreeing to the full MBA, including the new media proposals we have been unable to make progress on at the big bargaining table. This demonstrates the integrity and affordability of our proposals. There are no shortcuts in this deal. Worldwide Pants has accepted the very same proposals that the Guild was prepared to present to the media conglomerates when they walked out of negotiations on December 7.

Finally, while our preference is an industry-wide deal, we will take partial steps if those will lead to the complete deal. We regret that all of us cannot yet return to work. We especially regret that other late night writers cannot return to work along with the Worldwide Pants employees. But the conclusion of your leadership is that getting some writers back to work under the Guild’s proposed terms speeds up the return to work of all writers.

Side-by-side with this agreement, and any others that we reach, are our ongoing strike strategies. In the case of late-night shows, our strike pressure will be intense and essential in directing political and SAG-member guests to Letterman and Ferguson rather than to struck talk shows. At this time, picket lines at venues such as NBC (both Burbank and Rockefeller Center), The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and the Golden Globes are essential. Outreach to advertisers and investors will intensify in the days ahead and writers will continue to develop new media content itself to advance our position.

We must continue to push on all fronts to remind the conglomerates each and every day that we are committed to a fair deal for writers and the industry.

Here's what makes me most nervous about Bhutto

I can't pretend to know enough about foreign policy to offer any sort of informed opinion as to what the result will be for Pakistan.

What worries me is that assassinations, as least to me, seem to happen in clusters. As if one person goes down and various assassination-oriented people say, "Yeah, hey, good idea."

My first instinct is that Musharraf is next. Frankly, when I heard the news, my first instinct was, "Musharraf's probably behind it." A thoroughly uneducated guess, but apparently enough Pakistanis share that opinion to make me think I might be on to something.

But that's not what concerns me, either. It's the timing, believe or not, of being so close to the Iowa caucus.

I'm worried that if Obama does well or even wins the Iowa caucus, he's going to be a target, because there's just too damned many people in this country who will find the notion of a black President intolerable. If he wins the Democratic nomination down the road, we're talking big-time Secret Service protection. Which means if anyone's going to take a whack at him, it'll be soon. And the Bhutto assassination might be the spark.

I hope to God I'm wrong.

PAD

Interesting silence from the WGA

When Ellen DeGeneres announced that she was going to continue filming her show despite the writers' walkout, the WGA responded in the strongest possible terms, excoriating her and calling for boycotts and pickets.

Now David Letterman, Jay Leno, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert--none of whom happen to be gay women--have announced that they will be returning to work.

Thus far the WGA has been remarkably quiet on the announcement. Letterman's World Wide Pants is endeavoring to cut a separate deal with the WGA, but there's nothing definite, and Letterman will likely be returning regardless of whether he has a writing staff or not.

I find that curious, this sudden silence. Is the WGA really standing on principle? Or was Ellen simply seen as an easier target?

PAD

God Bless Us Everyone

I'm currently reading an annotated edition of "A Christmas Carol." Conservatives like to claim that there's a war on Christmas now? They don't know from wars on Christmas. According to the book's lengthy intro, back in the 17th Century England's Roundhead government basically banned Christmas celebrations. Dickens' book is largely credited for reigniting Christmas festivities after several centuries of very muted celebrating.

AMC just repeated the magnificent George C. Scott version of the classic tale. If you haven't seen it, seek it out on DVD.

Many happy returns of the day to all, and to all a good night.

PAD

OUT LAST WEEK: : SHE-HULK #24

Another "Daniel Slott" shout out in-joke goes completely unnoticed by She-Hulk fans as we reveal where Jen is living these days. Whad'ja think?

PAD

A Christmas poem from Marc Guggenheim

Marc, whose new series "Eli Stone" will be debuting in January 2008 right after "Lost" sent the following WGA strike-related poem around as as a twisted Christmas greeting. Reprinted here with permission:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town

Nick Counter was smiling. (Though it looked like a frown.)

The producers were still away from the table;

The writers on strike for as long as they’re able.

On second thought, I misspoke -- Lehane was raising the stakes;

While writers are out for as long as it takes.

And I with my picket and three red t-shirts

Could not help but wonder if this could get worse.

Would the DGA cave, that was my fear

For if they did, this strike could go for all year.

Because, it is true, actors wait in the wings

Ready to strike for new media things.

Everyone’s worried about what tomorrow will be.

From the WGA to the AMPTP.

Yes the corporations are scared of the future as well.

We’re all in this together. (As I’ve heard Patrick hear tell.)

The future’s important, it scares us all stiff

But let’s share in the profits, and cut the bullshit.

The hour is nigh, the time is at hand;

Time to restore work to the land.

Hollywood is burning, we’re all feeling the heat;

From the suits in their towers, to the crews on the street.

So to Barry, to Ron, to Leslie and Jeff...

Come back to the table...

...before there’s nothing left.

Star Trek: New Frontier from IDW

Just to confirm what's been announced elsewhere, yes, I will be writing a five issue New Frontier series for IDW next year. It will be completely in continuity and will pick up exactly where the previous NF book left off. There will also be another New Frontier short story set in the Mirror Universe as part of another collection.

I do not have a pub date on the next novel. When I do I'll let you know.

PAD

OUT THIS WEEK: FALLEN ANGEL #22, X-FACTOR #26

In Fallen Angel #22 we see war coming to Bete Noire as seen through the eyes of an unexpected visitor, and X-Factor #26 continues the Messiah Complex. Whad'ja think?

PAD

Jodie Foster kind of comes out

One of the worst kept secrets in Hollywood is that Jodie Foster is gay. Kind of falls into the "Who cares?" department. Nevertheless it prompted an entire CNN discussion when Foster openly thanked her long-time partner when she accepted an award recently.

And all I can think is that somewhere John Hinckley is shouting, "Son of a BITCH!" I mean, jeez...discovering that you're the guy who embarked on a failed attempt to assassinate a president in order to romantically impress a lesbian. That's gotta hurt.

PAD

Time to come clean about my steroid use

I figure I should out myself before it is revealed in a press conference.

Several months back I had pneumonia. The doctor put me on steroids. Not only did the steroids clear up the pneumonia, they also caused me to gain thirty pounds of solid muscle, regrow hair on my head, enabled me to hit a 96 MPH fastball, throw a no-hitter, make love to my wife for thirty seven hours straight, and lift a Buick over my head. They also increased the speed of my computer, added Showtime on Demand to my cable package for no extra money, and brokered the deal that sent the Broadway stagehands back to work (but not the WGA because there's some things that not even steroids can accomplish).

PAD

More Subway Fun

Several young Jewish kids were attacked by ten angry poorly educated Christians (yes, their religion is relevant as is their lack of education; you'll see why) on the subway the other day. The Jewish kids were returning from a Chanukah celebration and were carrying a menorah. The Christian guys (one of whom has a Myspace page depicting him holding a gun to his girlfriend's head; what a riot) wished the Jewish kids a Merry Christmas. Apparently they thought they were being sarcastic and were under the impression the Jewish kids would feel duly insulted. Instead the Jewish kids wished them a happy Chanukah right back. The Christians took offense, angrily declaring that the Jews had killed their Savior (see, that's where the religion is relevant) on Chanukah (that's where the lack of education is relevant) and that the Jewish kids were going to go straight to hell. Apparently endeavoring to give them a preview, one of them spat on one of the Jewish kids. The Jewish kid calmly declared intent to, like Jesus, turn the other cheek. Whereupon the Christian guys attacked.

And who stepped in to intervene? A Muslim guy, who got two black eyes for his trouble.

Fortunately police were present at the next stop to arrest the attackers, one of whom was already slated to begin a six month jail stay in January for beating up a black guy in 2005.

No word from the MTA as to where hate crimes and assaults rank in desireability in comparison to pole dancers.

PAD

"The last thing we want--"

On a dare from a website, four girls descended into the subways of New York City and performed risque strip numbers on the N train, gyrating on poles and dangling from overhead strap handles. They won the ten grand from the site, darejunkies.com.

And, as if they give a damn, they received a severe scolding from the MTA as a spokesman declared, "The last thing we want is for anyone to turn our subways into roving burlesque stages for crude exhibitionists."

Really. Is that a fact? "The last thing we want?"

As an occasional subway rider, when I'm thinking about "the last thing we want" on the subways, I'm thinking...oh, I dunno...a fare hike.

Or more trains breaking down.

Or money being cut so that there are fewer transit cops.

Or graffiti all over the place.

Or terrorists detonating bombs.

Or fewer trains being run so that the trains that are running are horrifically overcrowded.

Or people bumming money off me.

Or people vomiting or urinating in the corner or staggering around drunk and falling on me.

On my personal list, gorgeous strippers performing on the subway is so far and away from "the last thing" that it's not even funny. Perhaps the MTA should get its priorities in order.

PAD

COWBOY PETE PREDICTS FOR DEXTER

"Dexter" on Showtime is the old cowboy's favorite program these days. Absolutely riveting television. The story of Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall) who by day is a blood spatter analyst for the Miami PD, but at night is a serial killer who tracks down and does away with murderers who slipped through the cracks of the system. Tonight is the penultimate episode of the season and I'm going to offer my predictions below...

Here's where matters stand: Sergeant Doakes, another cop, has figured out that Dexter is the serial killer nicknamed the Bay Harbor Butcher. He made the mistake of confronting Dexter over it and wound up in a wire-mesh cage at a small cabin in the swamps. Dexter has been trying to figure out what the hell to do with Doakes, and also how to deal with Dexter's ex-girlfriend, a real headcase named Lyla who is determined to get Dexter back no matter what the cost.

My prediction: Lyla winds up finding the cabin and discovers Doakes imprisoned. Doakes tells her to let him out; that he has tracked down the Butcher and he's going to arrest him. Lyla kills Doakes in order to protect Dexter. Dexter is now faced with a conundrum, and after much soul searching, winds up killing Lyla even though, to some degree, he's snuffing out his perfect mate since she's as nuts as he is.

PAD

Dark Tower: The Gunslinger Born is BookScan's #1 hardcover graphic novel

Press release from Marvel:

The sensation that swept the comic market is taking book readers by storm as Marvel is proud to announce that Dark Tower: The Gunslinger Born Premiere HC has topped the Bookscan national sales chart! In addition to being the #1 hardcover graphic novel across all major online retailers—Amazon.Com, BN.Com, Borders.Com, Target.Com, Dark Tower has topped the Graphic Novel chart on Bookscan, and made the top 25 of all fiction hardcovers!

In addition to conquering sales-charts, Dark Tower: The Gunslinger Born Premiere HC is also making all of the Holiday Gift Guides across the nation. Ain’t It Cool News, Washington Times, and Yahoo.com have all chosen the collection as a must-have, in addition to Amazon.com naming it the #1 Editor’s pick of 2007.

Collecting all seven issues of the top-selling Dark Tower: The Gunslinger Born limited series, this hardcover explores the past of Roland Deschain, hero of Stephen King's epic Dark Tower novels. Written by New York Times best-selling author Peter David and Dark Tower expert Robin Furth, visualized stunningly by Jae Lee & Richard Isanove and overseen by the watchful eyes of Stephen King---this graphic novel is a must-have for Dark Tower fans new and old!

Critically-acclaimed comic book creator Paul Pope writes in PUBLISHER’S WEEKLY, “The Gunslinger Born is the perfect starting point for those who think comics contain nothing but men in spandex costumes and masks”

And now for something completely different

This should put you in the holiday mood.

http://ww12.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm

PAD

Five years ago today...

It was snowing fiercely. I was unaware of it because I was in a small birthing room with Caroline, offering what little help I could while Kathleen labored (never a more apt use of the term, no matter what union leaders may think) to bring Caroline into the world.

Her recollections on her blog will, I'm sure, make far more compelling reading than anything I have to say on the subject. All I'll say is Happy Birthday, Caroline, and nice job, Kath.

PAD

Fallen Angel Fans and everyone else

Issues 22-25 is going to be a major story arc in the life of the Fallen Angel and her base of operations, Bete Noire. It begins with a series of events as seen from the point of view of a small boy who sleepwalks his way into the city and finds himself in the middle of a war zone. That's #22. Issues #23-#25 depict full blown warfare in Bete Noire as a new player arrives with a simple goal--To snatch control of the city from Jude and remake the world in his own image. The status quo will be massively shaken up, long time cast members will die (and no, they won't come back, ever) and unexpected characters will be returning.

You really shouldn't miss it.

PAD

Attention Todd Nauck Fans

An original art piece by Todd Nauck is one of the featured items in the annual United States Bowling Congress auction, which raises money for the Earl Anthony Scholarship Fund. Check it out.

PAD

Beowulf

Kath and I went to see Beowulf yesterday.

Basically I thought the script (co-written by Neil Gaiman) and performances were rock solid. But I had the same problem I had with it as I did with "Polar Express" (although this is technically far superior): The animation creates an emotional wall between the viewer and the performers. Mostly it's the eyes, I think. They just look sort of dead, not reflecting light properly. Which is fine in animation where humans are caricatured and eyes can be made oversized to compensate (witness "Incredibles.") But when you're watching re-creations of humans going through computer generated paces, well...Kathleen said it best. She felt as if she should have a remote control joystick in her hand to be putting the characters through their paces.

I wish this had been live action instead.

Still, I kept coming up with variations on the title:

You loved him as Chachi. Now Scott Baio is: Baiowulf
Winnie the Pooh is: Silly old Bearwulf.
From the pen of Uncle Reumus, meet: B'rerwulf
Are you lupine? Do you have a headache? Try: Bayerwulf
It's Oktoberfest! Drink: Beerwulf

Any others?

PAD