PeterDavid.net

I love it. And my parents always said there was no value to being a smart-ass.

It's precisely because of solicitors/telemarketers that I've started answering the phone with, "Sector Seven Intelligence..." or, with a thick southern accent, "Happy Harry's Hat Shack, how may I help you?"

Fun the old fashoined way.

M

Peter, you're just the coolest.

I generally answer them by saying that she's on the other line doing her telemarketing job and probably won't be able to answer for some time.

You don't have your number on the do-not-call list?

You don't have your number on the do-not-call list?

Even if you have your name on the no-call list, you can still get calls from any company you've done business with. Hell, I got two calls tonight from credit card companies whose cards I haven't used in a couple of years.

You can also get calls from non-profit organizations. They are exempt.

Not sure if its been put out but Steve Gerber passed away yesterday.

Not much else to say.....

Guess who else can call you? Politicians and their election committees. Wonder who put that provision into the bill?

1Mine this morning during the 8am wake up call for someone who doesn't live here and hasn't as long as I've had this phone number (going on four years now)L
Caller: Is So and So there?
Me: No, she doesn't live here.
Caller: When would be a better time to reach her?
ME: I've never met the woman so I wouldn't know.
Caller: Do you have a number she can be reached at?

That is the point where I usually hang up. I've tried to explain it to them in the past and all I ever get is a 'promise' to have my number taken off the record. A promise that tends to last all of 23 ours and 56 minutes.

The one time I've thought quickly enough to say something like that was when some Mormons came to the door:

Them: Could we come in to talk to you?
Me: Ah no, not right now, I've two small children to look after
Them: When would be a better time
Me: In about four years when I'll get enough peace to be able to say one sentence without being interrupted.
Them: (pause) Can we give you our card?
Me: Sure!

That's awesome.

Me, I have great fun with the fact that Lisa and I have different names.

"Is Mrs. Hazard there?"
"Nope!" (Lisa's never been a Mrs. Hazard -- Dr. Hazard, yes.)
"Well, is this Mr. Hazard?"
"Nope!"
"I see. Thank you." [click]

Works surprisingly well some of the time.

TWL

I finally got a persistent telemarketer to hang up by asking him a question that embarrassed him so much he apologized for bothering me. It took me at least 2 minutes to get him to listen to me. In the end, what I said might have been cruel, at least to him.

He: Time-Life Books blahblah Old West blahblah...

Me: Sir...

He: Blahblah Wyatt Earp blahblah...

Me (several times): Sir...

He: Excuse me, yes?

Me: Do your books come in Braille?

He: {{stammering}} {{apology ensues}} Have a nice day. {{click}}

My wife was getting some rather annoying telemarketing calls recently. They would call with an automated message and ask you to call them back.

We eventually found out they'd gotten our info from the World Wildlife Fund, and at that point we were already getting crap on a weekly basis from the WWF on how we needed to renew our membership (which was still 6 months from expiring), etc.

The last time these telemarketers called, she actually got a live person and had us removed from their call list.

And we no longer donate to the World Wildlife Fund.

We found out who was calling us with the help of this site: http://800notes.com/Default.aspx

It's very handy. :)

By the way, I worked in telesales for ONE DAY. I can safely tell you that the ONLY way to get them to stop calling you is to say, in these EXACT words: "Put me on your Do Not Call list." They do it again, they get their asses fined.

Alan, just think of how much worse it'd have been if the salesdrone had been trying to sell you a subscription to Playboy...

TWL

"We found out who was calling us with the help of this site: http://800notes.com/Default.aspx"

Cool. I've been using:

http://www.whocalled.us/

And now I have another site I can check.

Corey

The comic strip "9 Chickweed Lane" did a sequence a few years ago - all week, a telemarketer found himself talking to a different cast member every day.

Marketer: Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Trimodal World Interactive Telecommunication Services, Inc...

Dr Juliette Burber: Were you aware that your company's initials spell "Twits":

Marketer: ...

Juliette: ... and another thing; it's probably not good tactics to let the prospect hear your pencil snap...

The Sunday strip that week involved Juliette's daughter Edda dropping the phone inside the grand piano and then ripping through a few bars of Rchmaninoff or whatever:

Rather Frazzled Marketer: I'll put that down as a "No", then."

I will never join a do-not call list because I LOVE making them hang up on me. I LOVE what you did PAD--isn't it fun?!?

My dad loves telling this story from the 70's. He was working the night shift, and was woken up by the phone one afternoon.

DAD: Hello.

MARKETER: Good afternoon. I'm calling from the Federation for the Blind. We are selling light bulbs to raise funds.

D: What does a blind man need light bulbs for?

M: I'm sorry sir. Are you blind?

D: Yes I am.

M: (moment of confusion) Sorry to bother you sir.

I like what Calvin did in one Calvin and Hobbes strip when the phone rang, and the person on the other end of the line asked, "May I speak with your father, please?"

"Heck, you don't need my permission," Calvin said. "Be my guest."

And he hung up, muttering, "What a weirdo."

Granted, it's not stated, or even implied, that a telemarketer had called, but as Bill Cosby once said, "I told you that story to tell you this one."

I used that same "you don't need my permission" line on an actual telemarketer. Though I don't recall whether they asked for my Dad by name (who doesn't live at my current home and never has) or for "Mrs. Keating." Since my Mom doesn't live here either, the answer's the same: the caller doesn't need my permission.

If a telemarketer asks for "Mr. Keating" or for me by name, I never confirm my identity. I ask who's calling. Only if it's someone I want to talk to will I state that yes, it's me. Otherwise, let them think I'm the butler.

Since I know that telemarketers tend to call at certain hours, I will sometimes answer the phone at those hours with a phrase like, "yes, commissioner?" It tends to discombobulate them for some reason.

Returning to Calvin and Hobbes, I seem to recall one strip where the phone rang, Calvin answered it and said he'd like to order a pizza. Again, not necessarily a telemarketer call, but the sort of greeting to give to a telemarketer.

Fortunately, I don't get as many telemarketing calls as I once did, but what irritates me is that some I do get are automated calls that won't disconnect unless I literally pull the cord out of the wall. And they're usually politically related. Whomever's behind those can't-just-hang-up-on-them calls belongs in the 11th circle of Hell.

Since we're in an election cycle, we'll probably be getting more of politically-related telemarketing calls come summer and fall. One plus of my state's political parties having pissed off the national parties by holding an early primary is that the candidates (and their robo-callers) didn't do any telephone campaigning.

Rick

and I was having such a great time tonight. I just reread all the posts and saw that one of my favorite writers has gone away. S.O.B. I never got the chance to tell him how MUCH I loved his work. I know this isn't the place, so ......

Jerry Seinfeld still has the best.

That said, call waiting is the best thing since sliced bread.

Not only did I put the sit.wav tone on my answering machine (google it or ask me for it) but my son and I have the same names. Years ago I had all kinds of fun.

Me: Hi.

Tele-Marketer Scum: Hello, I'm with Such and Such. Could I speak with Mr. Redacted?

Me: Sure. He can't come out here to the phone right now, though.

Tele-Marketer Scum: Would there be a good time to call back?

Me: Yes, about two months. He isn't born yet.

Wait...Tim...

Your wife can legitimately go by the name of "Doc Hazard?"

That is just so freaking cool.

PAD

The name "Dr. Hazard" does imply a need for either sidekicks or minions.

Also, Hazzard & Lynch sounds like the name of a good law firm.

I'm glad I read this thread after the Steve Gerber one. I need the cheering up.

A few years ago a charity called seeking a donation and I declined. I can't remember exactly what it was now, but I believe it was something to do with educating kids about something, so let's say it was about promoting drug abuse prevention...

The caller then tried to persuade me by asking a he-has-to-answer-yes-to-this question, something like: Don't you want to help children say no to drugs?

I simply responded, "No. I don't."

That stopped her in her tracks. She didn't have any planned comeback on her flowcharts (or whatever they use) to help her deal with my response. After a significantly long pause and before she could recover I hung up.

That probably got me on some government watch lists, I would imagine. :-)
_________________

Then just the other day a guy called asking for a donation to some policeman's "narc" (that's the word he used) organization to educate kids about the dangers of illegal drugs. He did his spiel and then asked, Won't you help the police fight drug dealers?"

I answered, "Sure, if I see any drug dealers I'll call the police right away."

Him: "Uh, I mean financially, sir."

Me: "Oh, well then I'm sorry, but no, not at this time."

He made a couple more efforts before realizing I wasn't going for it and he gave up.
______________________

It's not that I think the causes are bad or anything, but I just don't give private info, let alone financial info, to anonymous callers who may or may not be who they say they are or representing the organizations they claim. And the organizations may or may not exist. It's unfortunate, but the scammers have ruined it for the legitimate and worthy causes.

Besides which I know there's no way to give a donation that won't result in them coming back over and over and over asking for more, not to mention getting my name on a shared list for other organizations to come a callin'.

Me, I just ask them, in a very enthusiastic voice, what they're wearing. If that doesn't work, I'll just start to make certain noises indicating that notion of what they're wearing pleases me.

Works.

Every.

Time.

I have never had a conversation with a telemarketer where I gave a witty response but I have had two conversations that amazed me.

The first was for a Sears credit card. Since I had no interest in the card I told them my annual salary was $100 and I had not been employed in over a year. Everything else I told them was accurate. I later received a card with a $1000 dollar limit.

The second was when I was working for my previous employer in cell phone sales. One of my perks was free phone service. I received a call from a competitor trying to get me to switch and when I told him why I wouldn't he insisted he could give me a better deal than I already had.

The first story may be funny, but it's hardly surprising if you know that credit card companies prefer guys who make $100 a year and have been unemployed for a year because they benefit more from the charges incurred by people who can't pay, because of their connections to government, and the debt collection industry.

I like to do a reverse "Crank Yankers" and pretend that I'm mentally challenged.

Caller: Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Such & Such Organization. How are you today?

Me: I'm swell. I'm watching Road Runner. He's so funny when he goes Beep Beep.

Caller: . . . May I speak to your father, please?

Me: Sure, if you know who he is. There are a few guys that we've accused.

Caller: May I speak to the head of the household, please?

Me: My mom says I'm the man of the house cause I'm special.

Caller: . . . Is your mother available to come to the phone?

Me: No. She's in line for free cheese.

Usually I get a hangup at this point.

Okay, FINE, I'm just going to have to post the most epic telemarketer pwnage ever, aren't I?

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

Your wife can legitimately go by the name of "Doc Hazard?"

That she can. Occasionally does, even.

That is just so freaking cool.

I'll be sure to tell her. :-)

(Of course, given MY last name, it was a given that we weren't going to hyphenate Katherine's last name. Doesn't matter which way you go with it, it's not a good name to inflict on a child.)

And I think I've told this story before, but when Lisa's cousin had a child a few years ago they named him Justice.

Justice Hazard, yes.

THERE is a name that requires minions. Or possibly law clerks.

(To make matters worse, he was born on Election Day '04. I'm fairly certain that's not the reason he was given the name, however.)

TWL

One afternoon, when I had lots of spare time on my hands 'cos I'd come down with a case of the unemployment, and when I still had a land line, I answered a telemarketer call...

I: Hello?

He: Hi! I'm with Joe Blow Travel, could I interest you in a vacation package?

I: Not really, but do you like comic books?

He: Pardon?

I: You know, comics... Superman, Hulk, Spider-Man, Batman...

He: Well, I don't...

I: Because you see, I sell comics, I'm an online retailer, and my website is (no, I'm not going to spam my website here ;) )... do you think you might be interested?

He: I can't say that I am...

I: I can assure you that they contain some really well-written storylines... they're not "just for kids", you know...

He: I'm afraid I'm not intersted...

I: Oh, well, I'm sorry to have troubled you. Thank you for your time! *click*

Wildcat

One afternoon, when I had lots of spare time on my hands 'cos I'd come down with a case of the unemployment, and when I still had a land line, I answered a telemarketer call...

I: Hello?

He: Hi! I'm with Joe Blow Travel, could I interest you in a vacation package?

I: Not really, but do you like comic books?

He: Pardon?

I: You know, comics... Superman, Hulk, Spider-Man, Batman...

He: Well, I don't...

I: Because you see, I sell comics, I'm an online retailer, and my website is (no, I'm not going to spam my website here ;) )... do you think you might be interested?

He: I can't say that I am...

I: I can assure you that they contain some really well-written storylines... they're not "just for kids", you know...

He: I'm afraid I'm not intersted...

I: Oh, well, I'm sorry to have troubled you. Thank you for your time! *click*

Wildcat

Geez, All I do is say "I'm not at all interested" and hang up on them before they can get a word in edgewise. These folks are just doing their job for minimum wage or just a tad more, and I just don't feel like having fun at their expense while they do a miserable undesirable job.

I sold Sears Maintenance Agreements over the phone when I was in college twenty five years ago, so I know how much that job sucks. And while I'm not going to waste my time listening to a spiel I have no interest in, I'm not going to lord it over them with sparkling wit either.

Also, Hazzard & Lynch sounds like the name of a good law firm.

On the other hand, "Hazard, Lynch"...not so much. Sounds like you're taking a real risk of the case not going well for you.

Geez, All I do is say "I'm not at all interested" and hang up on them before they can get a word in edgewise. These folks are just doing their job for minimum wage or just a tad more, and I just don't feel like having fun at their expense while they do a miserable undesirable job.

Oh, I dunno. I think part of what makes it miserable and undesirable is people hanging up on them all the time. I'd much rather give them an anecdote for the break room. "I got this one guy this afternoon and he said..."

Another favorite tactic I use is the "for" angle. See, they're trained that they can't deviate from their script, so if there's an opening in the wording, they'll get completely stalled. As in:

CALLER: Hello, I'm calling for Liberty Mutual.

ME: Sorry, Liberty Mutual isn't here right now.

CALLER: (Pause) I'm calling FOR Liberty Mutual.

ME: You just said that. I told you, Liberty Mutual isn't here right now.

CALLER: (Pause) I'll call back.

ME: Okey doke.

See, if they could get off script enough to say, "I'm calling on behalf of Liberty Mutual," they could then get past their salutation. But they never do.

PAD

There was a time when I held down 4 or 5 part time jobs...at the same time. One of them was being a telemarketer.

Awful, soul crushing job. I last about 2 months and I know exactly what day I decided to quit--the Challenger had blown up and one guy I called up was as devastated about it as I was. We talked for about a half hour and when it was over I never wanted to pester anyone over the phone ever again. Once the customers become real people it's over.

Having an unlisted number saves me from most of those unwanted conversations, but as far as semantic exchanges, I'm always amused when I get a pre-recorded message saying 'Calls may be recorded for...' Whenever I point out to the person who answers the phone that I'm recording the call in accordance with their own policy, they generally get terribly insulted. And when you try to explain that their own policy says that I may (as in 'allowed') record the conversation, most of them still don't get it.

I got my old high School to stop calling by just threatening to sue them for harassment.

I told them to take me off the list, of course, the caller was too stupid to realize that I meant the calling list (she thought I meant the grad records, though I can't say I'd mind that) and said I can't do that ,but as soon as I said the magic harassment lawsuit words all contact disappeared.

One time, my dad, who worked for the DOD, gets a call from the police(not the Police, although my dad talking to Sting would've been almost as cool as Tim's wife's name.) They're looking for donations for such-and-such. When my dad said no(as money was rather tight at the time) the officer said something about not wanting to help those that serve--WRONG thing to say to someone in my family. So, that's when my dad pretty much read him the riot act because of everything my dad's done in service and this, that, and the other thing. Gets off the phone, looks at it for a minute, looks at me, and says, "Bud, be REALLLLLLLY careful when you're driving out there. I think I made him mad."

Me, though, when we had a land line, and I was feeling vindictive, if a call came in I'd either answer in Klingon or I'd do that bit with the yelling from Mrs. Doubtfire.

I've got some stories from the other end, too, from when I was a marketing director. And all I talked to were supposedly professional insurance agents.

I sound like a kid on the phone.

Me: Hello?
TM: Hello! May I speak with your mommy?
Me: ExCUSE me? I'm 25 years old.
(Pause)
TM: Oh, ah... May I speak to Mrs. J. Marks?
Me: May I ask who's calling?
TM: My name is Tracy and I'm calling on behalf of (some company you've never heard of and I'm saying the name just fast enough that you can't really understand it)
Me: (Sweetly) Mum's not home right now, can I take a message?

I usually ask to be taken off their calling list though. The worst thing I've done is put the phone down and walk away, but only because the lady wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise, not even to tell her that I wasn't the one she was looking for.

One of my favorites was this exchange:

CALLER: what would you do if you won this sweepstakes?

ME: The first thing I would do is go out & get laid.

CALLER: ....

For the most part, since I know these guys are just doing their job, I give them at least one, usually two, opportunities to take "no" for an answer before I just plain hang up.

But, there's that one time someone called for the umpteenth time to entice me to subscribe to the newspaper. I simply responded with, "If I wanted a subscription to the paper, you wouldn't have to call me...I'd already be a subscriber."

Several years ago, I did encounter a new tactic for telemarketers to get past the first step:
Caller: "Can I speak to Dr. So-and-so?"
Me: "I'm sorry, but you have the wrong number."
Caller: "Is this 123-4567?"
Me: "Yes, it is."
Caller: "Oh, then I have the right number, just the wrong name listed. {begin schpiel here}"

Then, as others have mentioned, there's the companies that call for someone who used to have your phone number, but haven't for years. We've had our current phone number for almost 6 years. We still occasionally get calls for "Sue," who had the number before us. Sad part is that, for probably a year, some of those calls were from her mother...we'd get messages on the machine: "Sue, this is Mom. Give me a call when you get this."

In person can be even more fun.

I was at Port Authority picking up my daughter from the bus, and this guy walks up to me, holding documents, and said, "I'd like to talk to you about Jesus."

I smiled at him and said, in a gentle voice, "I am Jesus."

He looked at me uncertainly, laughed uncomfortably, and said, "No, you're not."

I put a hand on his shoulder and said, "Yes, I am, my son. I have returned. All will be well. Spread my word."

He turned and ran.

I found his lack of faith disturbing.

PAD

When I lived in Augusta, GA, a few years back, I kept getting calls from this one group soliciting funds for 'bulletproof jackets for the Augusta Police Department'. What was funny (or not-so-funny, depending on your view) was that the local media, including the TV station I worked for at the time, had done pieces on this telemarketing scam-- even going so far as to get members of the Augusta-Richmond County Sheriff's Department (not the 'Augusta Police Department') on camera saying "don't donate to these people because they don't represent us." So by the third time I'd gotten calls from them, I had fun confronting them with evidence of their scam:
TELEMARKETER: (after I repeatedly refused to donate) Why don't you want to donate? Do you not want police officers to have bulletproof vests?
ME: I'll tell you what. I'll donate $1000 right now if you will go to this website and read it for me, okay?
TELEMARKETER: ...okay...
ME: (reading off the website for the news report in the local paper; this was before the days of streaming video on the internet)
TELEMARKETER: ...Oh!
That was one of the most satisfying moments of my life. What is truly sad, though, is that I still get calls from these clowns every couple months, even though I go through the same rap with them just about every time.
Now that I'm in Atlanta, my big telemarketer fun is with people selling subscriptions to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. About once a month, every phone number at work will eventually receive a call from one of their telemarketers, despite the fact that we, individually and as a company, have repeatedly informed them that they're calling a place of business that's been put on the do-not-call list. It's since devolved into a company-wide contest of who can mess with them the best... and since I sit right near the tech support guys, I usually get to hear the cream of the crop as it happens. Imagine a bunch of frustrated tech support guys who finally get to be on the other side of the equation; one of the tech guys actually managed to convince the telemarketer that he had died, and that "nobody else in the family is getting any of daddy's money!"

As far as I'm concerned, you keep calling back after being told not to, well, all bets are off. And usually to humorous result.

Posted by: BrakYeller

ME: I'll tell you what. I'll donate $1000 right now if you will go to this website and read it for me, okay?

This, plus PAD's previous post, made me think of a country song i heard just once - the guy describes how he fell asleep in front of the teevee and woke up at 3AM with a televangelist yelling at him, and before he woke up enough to think, he had sent off his donation:

"i wrote a hot check to jesus for ten thousand dollars..."

I sound very young on the phone also.

Generally, I attempt to be polite before hanging up the phone, but when someone immediately asks for my Mommy, I figure it is time to have some fun.

I would reply with one of the following, depending on how playful I was feeling:

- Then why did you call me?

- She's in the bedroom with the (pick your favorite - Dad, the mailman, her best friend, etc), and I am not allowed to disturb them right now...

- She said that if you idiots called again, I should hang up, so BYE!

Regarding religious solicitors: A friend of mine had a great schtick that he pulled on some Christian protestors who would regularly hold anti-abortion rallies in front of a Planned Parenthood office. Now, just to set the stage, these were some hardcore Christians, carrying around life-size wooden crosses and some of them handing out Jack Chick tracts. So imagine 20 or so of them at this rally, where my friend and one of his friends show up in full Satanic garb-- wearing KISS makeup, dressed in black, with upside down crosses and pentagrams and everything-- with signs saying "SATAN wants your BABIES!!!". As they go to get in the protest line in front of the building, some of the Christian protestors stopped them, demanding what they were doing. My friend patiently explained that he wanted to join the protest, because his lord and master Satan told him that he had to save babies from being aborted so that Satan would have an even chance to subvert their lives and thus increase the ranks of Hell. So, on the face of it, they were all on the same side, and could they please join the rally?
Needless to say, much anger and vituperation occured, and it nearly came to blows, but one of the Sheriff's Deputies present acknowledged my friend's claim that he had just as much right to protest according to the views of his 'religion,' suggesting that it'd be best for all if they held a seperate protest kind of off to the side of the main one. So they went off to the side and had their own seperate rally for about half an hour, until bored and a little worried about their personal safety, they left.
I just wish he'd taken pictures.

PAD, someone really needs to follow you around with a camera and do a reality show. I vote for "The Write Stuff".

I've had some telemarketers from Michigan calling me about every five weeks to tell me I've won a car, if I'll only answer a few questions and show up half a county away the next day. After the third time they called, having finally explained why I didn't ACTUALLY win anything the first two times, I have not let them finish their spiel. I wish I knew enough about the law to know if I could force them to give me a car - The first two times they called they explained that I had to be married in order to win, which sounds pretty questionable.

I haven't made any snappy comebacks beyond telling them I know who they are and what they're up to.

PAD's last comment above was great: I take back at least 75% of the bad things I've thought about him. I appreciate the joy of messing with small-minded proselytisers, but don't usually get around to it. 30 years ago when I was in college I went on a canoe trip with some idiots from my former church, and had to listen to several hours of their questioning about my going to a "non-Christian, pagan, even" university. That was Georgetown University, just 13 miles away from where we were speaking. I'm not Catholic, but it was incredibly dense not to know Catholics are very sufficiently "Christian." I tried to explain myself and got a lot of "Yeah! They're CATHOLICS!! Don't you feel weird being around pagans? Ooooh..." It turned out that the assistant pastor had put them up to it, and I've gone to a different church ever since.

Speaking of Pagans, I have a few friends that are Pagan. In our neighborhood we used to get Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on the door all the time. I always wanted to have them over when the doorbell rang and have them answer in all their Gothed-out glory. Closest I ever came was answering the door with broadsword in hand when my wife and I first moved in together. I opened the door, guy starts his spiel. In my best Kurganesque voice, "I'm busy." SLAM. I laughed for two hours over that one.

Rick - I borrowed a tactic from a bright, cultured lady I know in Osaka. Though Japanese, her English is perfect (probably in part from grabbing a Psych Masters in the US 30-odd years back) and has taken to answering the phone with an English comment. Her friends know it's her, but telemarketers and other pests figure they've gotten some foreigner, so no point wasting time and hang up. I do the same, but in Japanese. So far it's worked well.

As for phone-follies, this isn't about telemarketers, but ...

I used to have a cheap phone I'd bought in the late 70s which had the capability to 'send' a tinny electronic tune (you could choose from two available) to the other end of the line. I got in the habit of doing so when someone put me on hold, slapping on the muzak as they did so. I'd reciprocate and wait until I'd hear a confused "hello?" after they'd returned and then cut out the music and excused myself. "It's just that, since you seemed to feel a need to inflict that awful stuff on me, the least I could do is return the favour." It seemed to annoy people but I can't honestly say I lost much sleep over it.

Until I got on the "Do Not Call" List, this is what I used to do:

Idiot solicitor: "Is Mr. So & So there?"
Me: "Hold on a sec, I'll go get him."
Me: {{putting phone down and walking away}}

About 10 minutes later, I'd check. MOST would have hung up by then, otherwise I'd say, "Hold on, still trying to find him." And I'd put the phone down again.

After a good 20 minutes, they're gone.

What killed me is that I was still doing things around the house, like watching TV or working inthe kitchen. And you KNOW they could hear it.

Peter David: I found his lack of faith disturbing.
Luigi Novi: Did he keel over clutching his throat? :-)

Oh, and Luigi? I'll never call you.

Ever.

In the days before caller ID, when my dad got fed up with the phone constantly ringing, he would answer " (Town) Nuthouse, Chief Nut speaking," which worked great until the time his boss called...

I've done that a few times, but now I find it a lot safer to answer in a foreign language. If they happen to know it, I switch to another. Ends things right quick.

My dad always used to answer the phone, "5th Precinct." Still does sometimes, actually.

TWL

Sean: Oh, and Luigi? I'll never call you. Ever.
Luigi Novi: Okay.

Btw, what are you wearing?

:-)

The one time I really feel the need to mess with people is when the Fraternal Order of Police call. Every 3 months or so, they call asking for a donation.

So I let them go through whatever crap they go through, and then they say (not even ask)that I am sending them 25$ and I will get a sticker in the mail, I say:

Does my $25 entitle me to have the police answer my house alarm panic button in under two hours?
Does it ensure that the police will not tailgate me in a non-emergency situation?
Will they not flash me their lights just because they have an urgent need for a donut?

Amazingly, 3 months they will still call back...

My dad is in his late 70's. When a telemarketer call him he goes on a rant about how he only get's an erection once a month and ends it with "Guess what day this is..." Meanwhile his girlfriend is in the background telling him to come back to bed.

On a TOTALLY unrelated topic, I had a dream last night that PAD had a get together for all of us from the blog.
A couple of people were arguing and there was PAD in his recliner just shaking his head. Somehow I was relegated to serving drinks and making duplicate keys (I don't know, it was a dream) while waiting for Luigi to show up and deconstruct both arguments, thus showing that they were both wrong.

PAD, you don't strike me as the kind of guy to have pastel blue carpet and a pink Lay-Z-Boy.

Dream On,

M

At my old comic shop, we'd get calls asking for the owner. We used the name Wally Carbo, an old AWA Wrestling promoter. Naturally, he was never there.
Only one time did the caller pause and call us on our bluff. In a bemused voice, he asked, "Isn't he dead?". We confessed our ruse, and he hung up laughing.

Posted by: Susan O

In the days before caller ID, when my dad got fed up with the phone constantly ringing, he would answer " (Town) Nuthouse, Chief Nut speaking," which worked great until the time his boss called...

When i was in the Navy and stationed in Italy (1971), one of the senior P.O.s was alone in the shop, and the phone rang; for reasons known only to God and himself and i suspect that the Creator wasn't really positive), he answered it "Ernie's Hardware. Ernie speakin'"

(pause)

VOICE: Do you know who this is?

P.O.: No.

VOICE: This is the Captain.

P.O. (as later recounted, at least): Do you know who this is?

Voice: No.

P.O.: Good (click)

And he dashed out the door, passing me on the way.

He said "If that phone rings, you just came in, you didn't answer it before, no-one was here when you came in, and you don't know who was here before you came in. I'm going to the transmitter shack."

Hmmm, thinks i.

Phone rings.

"Good afternoon - Ground Electronics, NAS Sigonella. ETN2 Weber speaking - how may i help you, sir?"

VOICE: Who answered this phone last?

ME: I'm sorry, sir, i have no idea..."

Posted by: michael j

The one time I really feel the need to mess with people is when the Fraternal Order of Police call. Every 3 months or so, they call asking for a donation.

As i said in a p[revious comment, i'd be surprised if the actual FoP got even as much as ten cents on the dollar on contributions made through those calls...

Closest I ever came was answering the door with broadsword in hand when my wife and I first moved in together. I opened the door, guy starts his spiel. In my best Kurganesque voice, "I'm busy." SLAM. I laughed for two hours over that one.

I heard of a guy who saw a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses approaching his house and greeted them by stripping naked, grabbing an ornamental sword off the wall and answering the door bellowing "DO YOU MIND? I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A RITUAL!"

Oh, and by the way? Few things get a charity telemarketer off the line faster than the phrase "I'm collecting unemployment right now." Trust me on this one.

Mitch Evans: On a TOTALLY unrelated topic, I had a dream last night that PAD had a get together for all of us from the blog. A couple of people were arguing and there was PAD in his recliner just shaking his head. Somehow I was relegated to serving drinks and making duplicate keys (I don't know, it was a dream) while waiting for Luigi to show up and deconstruct both arguments, thus showing that they were both wrong.
Luigi Novi: Interesting somnic architecture you have there, Mitch. :-)

Going back to "Doc Hazard" for a minute, Lisa read this thread last night. Her response (and I quote):

"Minions? Well, I have grad students -- does that count?"

I figure grad students past and present can speak up on that one. :-)

TWL

1 Two things ,one i have done one i just haven't had the nerve to do yet. Once a marketer called and asked if Mr. Miller was there,since at that time my father was still alive I answer this is a Mr. Miller,well what the marketer heard was this is Amos Miller. I still get calls asking for Amos MIller. the other thing is sometimes we get calls from marketers with Indian accents so thick they are barely understandable,I so political incorrect want to answer them in my best Indian accent,so far i haven't had the nerve.

Luigi:
"Luigi Novi: Interesting somnic architecture you have there, Mitch. :-)"

Even though I caught the meaning from it's context, I had to look up somnic. Which was not in my dictionary. Then I went to dictionary.com and the closest I got was somni. Above the first definition was an ad for "Novi Sleep & Lung Doctors."

Weird.

Interesting may be too small a word to describe my somnic architecture. When falling from a great height I don't wake up before I hit the ground. I've also been shot, stabbed, and burned to the point of melting flesh before waking up.

To balance that out I also frequently wake up laughing my ass off, but can never remember what was so damn funny. Again, weird.

Tim,

Somehow I have the notion that a 'Doc Hazard' wouldn't need minions as much as steady hands...

To the Batpoles!

M

Every so often, when the phone rings at home, I'll answer "Chris' crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em."

Unfortunately, have not gotten a telemarketer with that one yet. Mostly just friends who are used to me.

"I've also been shot, stabbed, and burned to the point of melting flesh before waking up."

To quote Dr. Venkman, OUCH.

""Chris' crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.""
Well, actually, I do feel a bit peckish....

I so political incorrect want to answer them in my best Indian accent,so far i haven't had the nerve.

When my wife and I still lived in Iowa and before we got married, she would occasionally get calls in Spanish. While her maiden name is directly from her Filipino heritage, it is also a common Hispanic last name.

I was very tempted to answer the phone myself and demand that they start calling me in German. :)

Worst job I ever had was as a telephone survey taker. I only lasted a couple months at that job. To their credit, the company understood how stressful the job was and had an insane amount of perks for their full-timers -- like a company-wide 2 week all expenses paid vacation to London. (I was a part-timer, and a temp, so I wasn't eligible.)

Ever since I've had that job, I've had the occasional irrational fear of talking to people for fear of wasting their time...

On the upside, though, I learned several creative metaphors for various things.

"And why do you dislike (one particular vendor), sir?"

"Because they can ruin an anvil in a sandpit with a rubber mallet."

"As i said in a p[revious comment, i'd be surprised if the actual FoP got even as much as ten cents on the dollar on contributions made through those calls..."

My mother told me a while back she heard on the news how this was a scam. She used to donate to them when they called, but stopped a few years back. My friend happens to be a police officer also (and yes, he knows the awful things I say about them) :) and also told me not to bother donating, as it means nothing to the police...

Michael

PAD, just out of curiosity, what would your response have been if they had asked what time she would be available?

PAD, just out of curiosity, what would your response have been if they had asked what time she would be available?

Eastern Standard time.

PAD

> Worst job I ever had was as a telephone survey taker ... Ever since I've had that job, I've had the occasional irrational fear of talking to people for fear of wasting their time...

I worked for such a firm, albeit one of the more reputable ones in the area. They'd only sic me on people who had previously agreed to be part of such a survey and then gave us 'best times' at which to call them. So getting nasty a nasty reception at the other end wasn't generally a problem. But I do recall all too vividly one survey ...

The numbers I'd been assigned were all in a part of town which I knew to be heavily made up of retirees. And a lot of them, instead of being annoyed at being disturbed, almost seemed to welcome the call. Many, the tone of their voices seemed to be "oh, thank God, a human voice to talk to" and it near to broke my heart thinking of how lonely these people must be, day in and day out, that a complete stranger calling to ask nosy questions would be such a desirable change.

Some years back, there was a big hassle over the city of Chamblee Georgia cracking down on the crowds of casual workers waiting outside a day-labour exchange office. (There had been numerous complaints from residents and other business in the neighbourhood about public drinking, vandalism/property damage, harassment of passersby, etc.)

A lot of the would-be workers were Hispanic, anmd the whole hassle was pretty quickly framed as anti-Hispanic prejudice by The Usual Loudmouths.

People began calling Chamblee City Hall to protest this "racist" behaviour, and some of them, apprantly, got a tad abusive.

An acquaintance (fellow member of an Amateur Press Alliance) at the time was the Adminsitrative Assistant at Chamblee City Hall.

Meaning that, among other duties she had to answer the phone.

While she had lived almost her entire life in the Atlanta area, she is a Cuban exile, her family having been one of the last out bringing her as an infant.

So, of course, she speaks perfect Georgia English.

And here she was catching hell for being an anti-Hispanic bigot (since, after all, anyone who works for City Hall must, of neessity, be an enthusiastic supporter of the City Administration's policies).

(She said, BTW, that from her vantage point, the crackdown seemed to be more anti-riffraff than specifically anti-Hispanic; it just happened that this particular riffraff skewed Hispanic. Apparently there had been other such crackdowns, but, since they mostly affected white, non-Hispanic riffraff, no-one had gotten incensed over them.)

She said that she sometimes considered putting on her best Googie Gomez routine (and it was *really* good) once she determined what the call was about...

Them: Hello is Brian Kirk there, please?
Me: Yes, hold on.
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello, Brian Kirk?
Me: Wait, I'll get him for you.
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello, Mr. ...Brian Kirk?
Me: No, please hold.
Me: Hello?
Them: *click*

eh...that's all I got.

Oh - i forgot to mention that my friend was the *only* Hispanic in the Chamblee City Hall...

One of my favorites (not specifically for solicitors, but easily used on them) comes from the movie RUTHLESS PEOPLE. Danny DeVito's character Sam Stone is talking with someone, the phone rings, and DeVito answers it:

Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie's here, who's this? Well, Ralph, uh, Debbie can't talk right now, my dick's in her mouth. How about if I have her call you back later when I'm done?
[hangs up and laughs]
Sam Stone: I love wrong numbers.

"...Tele-Marketer Scum..."

"...the salesdrone..."

"...you idiots..."

In 2001, I was fired from a dead-end job I'd held for six years. The skills I'd developed weren't easily transferable, and I'd been fired for poor performance to boot. I had negligible savings and a mountain of debt related to some chronic health problems. I had mismanaged my career and my prospects weren't good.

Yeah. I was in a world of hurt.

The highest-paying jobs I could find on short notice were two residential telemarketing gigs, one part-time and one full-time. I didn't love the idea of becoming a telemarketer, but it was that or defaulting on my debts. In my view, there was really no choice at all.

Keeping some shred of pride intact wasn't easy. The kind of abuse you all brag about heaping on telemarketers certainly got under my skin despite my best efforts. There were days when I believed I deserved it.

But I kept some level of dignity by refusing to cross certain ethical lines. As a result, I was never a "star performer" but my numbers were consistently satisfactory, and management learned to stay off my back.

Also, I learned much to my surprise that I am good at sales. Never thought that would be the case, because I don't have a "killer instinct," and I wouldn't know how to manipulate someone even if I wanted to. But being a *good* salesman isn't about manipulation and pressure tactics. It's about listening to the customer and meeting their needs -- or having the integrity to admit to them when you can't.

After a few months, I found a full-time job as a business-to-business telemarketer at a Fortune 500 technology company. I've since been able to shed the second job, and after multiple promotions I am now being groomed for an account executive position (in other words, a full-blown sales role). I am currently working on multi-million dollar deals at one of our top ten accounts: a multi-billion dollar global financial services firm.

My income has nearly doubled in the last six years, and if things go well I may increase my income by another 20 percent in 2008. I have the respect of my colleagues, my manager, and some very influential and high-ranking people elsewhere in the company. Most important: my job is challenging, intrinsically worthwhile, and fun!

It's more than a 40-hour-a-week gig, but nevertheless it's only one job instead of two. So I now have time to devote to a lifelong dream of writing, drawing, and publishing my own comic. It doesn't hurt that I have the money now to buy nice art supplies, to pay for Web site hosting fees, and eventually, to print the book.

I am not one for hubris. In this crappy economy, I could get smacked back down in a second. But I've clawed my way back up from the gutter once, and I know I could do it again if I had to.

Gee, can you imagine what I might have done with my life if I wasn't such a "salesdrone idiot scum"? It almost makes you believe you can't judge a person based on a superficial 30-second interaction over the telephone.

"It's about listening to the customer and meeting their needs -- or having the integrity to admit to them when you can't."

Personally, I've always subscribed to Kris Kringle's philosophy: If Macy's doesn't have it, send them to Gimbels. When I worked in bookstores, if we didn't have a particular book and the customer didn't have either the time or the inclination to special order it, I'd either suggest he or she try one of the other bookstores in the area (either used or new); or point him or her to a specific one if I knew it carried the book in question. While you do lose that particular sale, I believe that customer is likely to come back again.

Not related to telemarketing per se, but I'm just saying.

Rick

Rick -- When you get a chance, e-mail me. Need to ask you something. (I'm afraid I lost your e-mail address.)

Rick Keating: "If a telemarketer asks for 'Mr. Keating' or for me by name, I never confirm my identity. I ask who's calling. Only if it's someone I want to talk to will I state that yes, it's me. Otherwise, let them think I'm the butler."

You have every right to decide what calls you will or won't take. When I was a residential telemarketer, we were taught sneaky (although not necessarily clever) techniques for getting past people's defenses but I refused to employ them. When you make an unsolicited call into someone's home, you're being intrusive enough as it is.

Believe it or not, I've had people swear to me that they had never signed up for *anything* via a telemarketer before getting a call from me -- and that if more telemarketers displayed my level of professionalism, they might not have hung up on so many of 'em.

That said, I don't miss my telemarketing days. I took the job out of desperation, and I hope if I manage my career well going forward I won't have to make any more desperation moves.

By the way, picking on telemarketers and feeling good about it is like beating up a four-year-old and thinking you're bad-ass. Telemarketeting calls are generally monitored or recorded by management, and most telemarketers (yes, yes, there are always exceptions, but I'm talking about the majority pattern here) aren't *allowed* to do anything other than pretend you're as clever as you mistakenly believe yourself to be when you play your little games.

You all think you're badass? Before I became a telemarketer, I was nastier than any of you could've been in your wildest dreams. To wit: 15 years ago I got a call from a local dance school offering me three free dance lessons. In a depressed monotone, I told the woman on the other end of the phone that I had lost both of my legs in "the war."

"You really lost both of your legs in a war?" she asked with a slight tremor in her voice.

"Yes," I said, maintaining my depressed-sounding monotone.

"I'm so sorry for bothering you about this, sir," she said, and we concluded the call.

I know I upset that woman, and like many of you, I was proud of it. Yeah, I patted myself on the back for that one for years. Then I became a telemarketer myself. Karma's a bitch, innit?

Anyway, fast-forward to just a few years ago, after I made it back from Telemarketing Hell. I got a call from the very same dance school making the very same offer. This time, I accepted. My girlfriend and I took the free dance lessons and enjoyed them so much we decided to pay for more. It was a great experience.

There's a lesson to be learned in that for anyone open to life's lessons.

When I'm not having fun with people getting names confused, Bill, I do give a more serious response, namely that "my wife and I have a standard agreement not to buy things over the phone. If you can send us the information in writing so that we can look over it without being rushed, we'll certainly do that."

Those companies that oblige, we'll consider. Those who insist that they can't send something in writing without a commitment on my part ... fuck 'em.

It's a very effective way to keep the calls from being a huge bother, because there's really no way to challenge it. Those who try quickly hear me hang up the phone.

TWL

Tim Lynch: "Those who insist that they can't send something in writing without a commitment on my part ... fuck 'em."

No. Fuck their bosses. Or, more likely, their bosses' bosses' bosses.

The people with whom you're having "fun" are trying to do the best they can to succeed at a crappy job with crappy requirements and demands because, heaven forbid, they need to work. A few decades ago, anyone with a work ethic could find decent jobs in the manufacturing sector. Hell, in 1992 I took a manufacturing job right out of college and was earning $13/hour plus full benefits (and remember, adjusting for inflation, $13/hour was damn good pay in '92). But most of the un-skilled and low-skilled manufacturing jobs have been "off-shored" to "low-cost nations."

Not everyone is suited for sales, accounting, human resources, management, IT, entertainment, or other jobs we consider "professions." Some people are suited for, God forbid, DOING SOMETHING that results in a TANGIBLE PRODUCT OR SERVICE. Unfortunately, there just ain't the kinds of jobs for those people that there once were. Many of them end up in the "service" sector, and many others end up as telemarketers. Some of those people, like me, get lucky enough to reach escape velocity and break free. I cannot bring myself to look down at those who aren't so lucky.

That is the unpleasant reality beneath your "fun."

Addendum: I realize that your tongue-fu with respect to yours and your wife's names isn't harming anyone. And again, *everyone* has a right to control the flow of communications into their homes, whether those are coming in via phone, e-mail, or carrier pigeon. But just bear in mind that the "salesdrones" aren't calling the shots.

I can't bring myself to have any fun with telemarketers for much the same reason Bill Myers says--been there, done that. I HATED the job. But it paid and as someone mentioned, the perks could be sweet. Lifting that phone was like lifting weights by the time I finally quit.

On the other hand, I can laugh at these cruel jokes because, well, comedy is usually cruel. And it's smarter than insulting other low income workers like waitresses, unless you like special sauces in your soup.

Bill,

The "fuck 'em" was really aimed at the parent body, not at the marketer him or herself. I try not to be incredibly rude to the marketers, but when I've made it plain that they will not be able to close a sale over the phone and they try anyway, I hang up. That's simply the economics of time.

And I totally agree that not everyone is suited for sales. I'm one of 'em: while I never worked in sales per se, I tried going door-to-door one summer as part of a public interest group. I didn't last a week.

I totally understand that the callers are just trying to do a job, and I don't get abusive with them (as a rule; I'm human). Even the "fun" that you somewhat derisively mocked is in the service of getting them to move on quickly -- there are plenty of tactics that are in the "delay them for as long as possible" category that I don't do.

I understand your point, Bill, I really do. But I also think that you're overreacting a bit here to what is clearly a very human (and, on the whole, harmless) response.

What's next, a moratorium on lawyer jokes?

TWL

>b>Posted by: Bill Mulligan

And it's smarter than insulting other low income workers like waitresses, unless you like special sauces in your soup.

Tom Paxton, closing a show at Banks & Shane's in Atlanta, about 1988: "...a special song, entitled 'Be Sure to Remember Your Waitress (or Be Sure *She'll* Remember *You*)...'."

Gee, can you imagine what I might have done with my life if I wasn't such a "salesdrone idiot scum"?

Bill, I've done the job myself for a couple of months, and having seen it from the other side, and being fairly good at it, I still want to throttle telemarketers.

Although, having a cell and being on the no call list, we don't get many such calls these days.

But the same spiel comes now from anybody you call about anything - I was forced to call Dish Network last night to drop HBO and Cinemax (got 3 months free) - they don't allow you to drop programming through their website. (Gee, I wonder why that is...)

I really didn't want to talk to somebody who was going to try and sell me on why I should keep the channels. Thankfully, the process ended up being automated... simply hit some buttons.

But the fact that I believed I was going to have to listen to a sales pitch angered me.

And I did a temp job for awhile after moving here to Denver. They offered me a permanent position that would basically be cold-calling people to sell them stuff... essentially a telemarketing job. I refused; I wasn't about to do it again, even though it would've been a permanent job.

So, even though I've done the job for a short time, I still can't feel sorry for the people doing it.

Tim Lynch: "...but when I've made it plain that they will not be able to close a sale over the phone and they try anyway, I hang up. That's simply the economics of time."

I never said you had to roll out the red carpet for them, Tim. When I said in an earlier post that you have every right to decide what calls you will or won't take, I thought that was pretty clear.

Tim Lynch: "And I totally agree that not everyone is suited for sales..."

My point was broader than that. Time was, people who don't have the skills to be an accountant, or an executive, or a chef, or an electrical engineer, or whatever could still make a good living at a variety of jobs. Now? Not so much.

Tim Lynch: "Even the 'fun' that you somewhat derisively mocked is in the service of getting them to move on quickly..."

I'm not saying it's not OK to have some fun. But I make no apologies for being pissed off at having people label those who do this kind of work as "tele-marketer scum," "idiots," or "salesdrones." I also make no apologies for making the very valid point that you can't judge someone based on a 30-second telephone interaction.

Tim Lynch: "What's next, a moratorium on lawyer jokes?"

This from someone who admonished another poster for using the term "pussy" to mean "wimp?" It's not an all-or-nothing proposition.

Besides, the people who know me are going to be very surprised to learn that I don't like jokes. The one good thing most people say about me is that I have a great sense of humor. And here it turns out I don't have one.

Look, I don't want to go around in circles about this. I wouldn't have even commented in this thread, had people not begun bandying about insults like "salesdrone." So here's the bottom line and my final word on this: during my telemarketing days, if I had called Peter David and received a response like the one he'd described, I'd've gotten a silent chuckle out of it and moved on. But call me a "salesdrone," an "idiot," or "scum," and you reap the whirlwhind.

This from someone who admonished another poster for using the term "pussy" to mean "wimp?"

Bit of a difference there, Bill. The above case insults one person by indirectly insulting an entire class of people unrelated to whoever's drawn your ire. "Salesdrone", or even "scum", is not doing that.

I wouldn't have even commented in this thread, had people not begun bandying about insults like "salesdrone."

Fair enough -- but as the person who (I think) introduced that particular term to the thread, I'd like to clarify it.

You yourself pointed out that telemarketers have very little leeway about what they can and can't say (as in the "no, fuck their bosses' bosses' bosses" comment). As such, they're essentially bound by job requirements to be little more than mouthpieces and script-readers. In that context, "salesdrone" is not insulting -- it is, in describing their required professional demeanor, ACCURATE. Some manage to be a lot more creative and heartfelt about it than others (and it sounds like you were one of those). Many don't -- but as a job description, it's reasonably close to correct in all cases.

I agree that "idiot" and "scum" would be highly insulting, and I don't believe I've ever used either in regards to the people in question. However, I think in reading "salesdrone," you're ascribing malice that either isn't there at all or is there in far less abundance than you'd thought.

I agree that it's not worth going around in circles on this -- are we in "agree to disagree" territory at this point?

TWL

Worst job I ever had was a caller for the university Annual Fund. It was more tedious than anything else, and I think in a few weeks, I managed to get one pledge of $50-100, or something like that.

We'd have to start asking for $1000, no matter what the person says their circumstances were.

The only time I got a bit upset was when I had only identified who I was, and the person on the other end threatened me.

That seemed a bit uncalled for.

Anyway, when telemarketers call, generally the worst I'll do is tell them that I can't talk and have to go, and if they keep talking, I hang up.

If they're from the Annual Fund, I'm actually fairly polite in my refusal and wish them luck.

Bill,

I can understand your not liking people taking the piss out of telemarketers due to your past employment in the field, but there are many in that field who are deserving of such treatment. You've stated that you tried to be somewhat honorable in how you handled yourself when making those calls. I've gotten a hell of a lot of calls from telemarketers where the caller was an absolute shit.

If you don't know me and you're calling my house for the first time; my name is Mr. Chandler and my wife's is Mrs. Chandler. Neither I nor Jenn like getting a call where someone asks in a friendly and overly familiar manner if "Jerry" or "Jennifer" is home so that it first seems like you've just answered the phone and it's a friend of your spouse on the line. I got really pissy one time shortly after Jenn first moved in and changed over all of her stuff to my address. I answered the phone and a woman is asking me if "Jenn" is there. I figured it was a friend of hers or one of her sisters. Turned out that it was some twit selling something useless. Don't use first names, especially don't use shortened versions of those names and do tell me at the start of the call who you are and who you represent. I'm far less likely to curse you out that way.

Now, if you do address me by my last name, tell me who you represent and tell me what your selling in the opening of the call, I might hear you out if I have the time. That being said, don't refuse to take no for an answer. If I say that I have no need for brand new storm windows because we've just had Champion put new windows on the house less the three months ago, don't tell me that I need to hear why your windows are so much better then theirs. I'm still paying for the Champion windows and I'm not about to have them removed to put yours in and create a second monthly payment. And yes, that was a call I took a few weeks ago.

If I say I'm not interested in your product, then simply accept that as a fact and say good-bye. Don't, as so many seem to love to do, talk over me or keep telling me that I have to listen to you or your sales pitch.

99.9% of the telemarketers that call my house do all of the above in the absolute wrong manner. For that .1% that doesn’t, I feel sorry for them getting the brunt of the richly deserved cruelty caused by the rest, but the tactics and manners of the majority of the telemarketers out there basically bring it on themselves.

That being said, I have no funny stories of my own. I just hang up on them or, if they really pull something to cheese me off, tell them where to stick their product before hanging up on them.

Tim Lynch: "I agree that it's not worth going around in circles on this -- are we in 'agree to disagree' territory at this point?"

When I said my last post was my "final word" on the subject, that's exactly what I meant. You'll not see any more posts from me in this thread.

Look, I don't want to go around in circles about this. I wouldn't have even commented in this thread, had people not begun bandying about insults like "salesdrone." So here's the bottom line and my final word on this: during my telemarketing days, if I had called Peter David and received a response like the one he'd described, I'd've gotten a silent chuckle out of it and moved on. But call me a "salesdrone," an "idiot," or "scum," and you reap the whirlwhind.

I simply tell the persistent telemarketer they're not respecting my boundaries, and then they say maybe if they had my experiences, they'd be full of hate just like me.

I used to make calls for a market research company for about a year in college, which put me about a step above telemarketers IMO, but it was still a pretty soul-deadening job. I quit when my dread at going to work was too much to take, and I only worked part-time!

Anyway, the most interesting part of my day was when someone would be a wiseass and take the piss out of me. I'm not talking angry, any idiot can be angry and getting cussed at is just irritating. I mean actual witty cleverness.

It gives you something to laugh about in the break room and it's amusing to think that someone would go to so much trouble to get you to leave them alone when it's so much simpler to hang up on you. But I appreciated it.

I really oughtta learn not to declare "final word" until I'm really ready for the "final word." But I fear I've written too much and given too much fodder for those who like to drown in details, and some who believe they understand me truly don't. So, to clear things up...

To Tim Lynch: You never said "scum" or "idiot," but others did. My posts weren't addressed exclusively to you. Sorry I wasn't more clear.

To everyone: I never said you have an obligation to talk to telemarketers, because you don't. I never said you had an obligation to be all sweetness and nice with telemarketers, because you don't. And I never said I objected to having fun, because I don't.

If, however, you cross the line into real cruelty don't pat yourself on the back. And if you think you can judge someone as a "scum" or an "idiot" based on a superficial interaction, I fear those pejoratives may apply to you as much as to anyone else.

Now that truly is my final word, because this is as clear as I can be.

I was just about through congratulating myself for not jumping on that "final word" issue, and now Bill Myers has spoken again. He has every right to prefer that people treat telemarketers with respect, but none to demand it of others. Other than sometimes abruptly hanging up on them, I don't tend to abuse telemarketers - but I won't criticize those who do. Unsolicited calls are intrusions we have no obligation to accept calmly.

This is not really specifically addressed to Bill Myers, but this instance will do. The argument "I used to do X, so X is right and proper" is no argument at all.

Bill Myers: I've sent you an E-Mail, as requested.

Rick

Ahem.

It seems I had a minor meltdown. How embarrassing.

I was a telemarketer for two years. And it wasn't just the people I called who dumped on me. Sometimes at parties someone would learn what I did for a living go on and on about how much they hated telemarketers. And *they* would be mortally offended if I shut them down and walked away. God forbid I should be able to escape my misery for even a few moments.

Worst of all were the many people who believed I'd never amount to anything. Like the employer that fired me in 2001 because I couldn't do 80 hours a week worth of work for less money than I could've made waiting tables. Like the managers at the call centers where I worked who rewarded dishonest caller after dishonest caller with permanent jobs while allowing me to languish as a temp because, God forbid, I was content to settle for results I could come by honestly.

So, was I a bit hyper-sensitive to people tossing about insults like "telemarketer scum"? Perhaps. Having vented, however, I've realized that I needn't be offended. Even if someone posting here truly believes me to be "scum" because of the job I once held, I have the respect of the people who truly matter in my life.

By the way, none of you get the prize for "Best Response to a Telemarketer." That prize goes to a woman who would shut down telemarketers selling long-distance plans by telling them she didn't have a telephone.

This is not really specifically addressed to Bill Myers, but this instance will do. The argument "I used to do X, so X is right and proper" is no argument at all.

I don't think anyone is making that argument though.

I do think it's hard to argue that treating people with dignity makes one classy. You can say, well, what if they don't deserve it? Actually, that's when you really look classy (I'm reminded of Richard Pryor's hysterical routine where the man is getting angrier and angrier while the woman replies back with quiet dignity, which makes him even angrier).

Again, I find a lot of this funny, in the cruel way that funny often is. (Ever hear some of the prank phone calls the Howard Stern crew pull on telemarketers? Pretty funny stuff). But really, all you have to do is hang up. You don't even have to wait for them to pause. The most annoying thing about telemarketers is the sound of the damn phone going off, which bitter experience has instlled in me the automatic reaction of "What fresh hell is this?" Once I realize that it isn't bad news from the family front it's always a simple matter to conclude the call.

>No. Fuck their bosses. Or, more likely, their bosses' bosses' bosses.

Too right. A couple of friends were quite releived to escape their jobs as telephone support staff (one for Dell, the other for a Canadian Internet company), not because of the work - they enjoyed helping people sove their problems - but because of the conditions under which some suits in another city or even country made them do it. e.g. "You'll 'help' them by doing your utmost to sell them some other, unrelated service they don't want or need, and your performance will be evaluated by how often you manage to do this." Feh.

> And I totally agree that not everyone is suited for sales...

It might help if they remembered a very important piece of advice my late father - who'd been quite successful in sales in his earlier days - had given me: "You don't sell someone something, you help them buy."

Bill Mulligan: "The most annoying thing about telemarketers is the sound of the damn phone going off, which bitter experience has instlled in me the automatic reaction of 'What fresh hell is this?'"

Now that I have your home phone number, Mulligan, you'll be asking that more often, I'll warrant. :P

Worst of all were the many people who believed I'd never amount to anything. Like the employer that fired me in 2001 because I couldn't do 80 hours a week worth of work for less money than I could've made waiting tables. Like the managers at the call centers where I worked who rewarded dishonest caller after dishonest caller with permanent jobs while allowing me to languish as a temp because, God forbid, I was content to settle for results I could come by honestly.

So, was I a bit hyper-sensitive to people tossing about insults like "telemarketer scum"? Perhaps.

You've just spelled out how the telemarketing industry rewards the aggression those you chastised were complaining about. In spite of your protest, by your own account, that aggression is there. It's a wonder you hold onto any fidelity to a system you feel free to portray as dysfunctional.

Now that I have your home phone number, Mulligan, you'll be asking that more often, I'll warrant. :P

Wait until I tell you about the one I got last night...pretty much the last thing you need to hear the day before you do the final walk through on the house you are closing on Monday...

(Those of you passing through Sanford NC, just look for the house that has an electrical system apparently designed and built by Nikola Tesla.)

"Wait until I tell you about the one I got last night...pretty much the last thing you need to hear the day before you do the final walk through on the house you are closing on Monday..."

What? I figured you'd LOVE learning that you're about to be living in the house that Crazy Larry The Ax Murderer killed all his victims in.

"Wait until I tell you about the one I got last night...pretty much the last thing you need to hear the day before you do the final walk through on the house you are closing on Monday..."

What? I figured you'd LOVE learning that you're about to be living in the house that Crazy Larry The Ax Murderer killed all his victims in.

I jumped on this because it reminded me of a situation here a while back. PAD was irate that Orson Scott Card was dismissive of Star Trek. His argument was essentially that he had met both of his wives at Trek conventions, four daughters had resulted, and he liked Star Trek quite a bit, dammit - even though he admitted much of Star Trek was average, unexceptional stuff (although I would not have admitted anything of the kind). For one reason or another, PAD's argument was very convincing on this site, but I did not find it so. Bill Myers's continued posts make it clear he isn't really demanding more from us than a little bit of perspective - and that seems entirely right.

Now if we could only do something about email spam.

Queen Anthai's post is right on the money, but there is more. Get the telemarketer's info – employee i.d. and business being represented – and say, "Don't ever call here again." If they do, you can sue for cash – harassment.

PAD's account of the evangelist at the Port Authority (most folks think P.A. is just the downtown station, but there is one at GW Bridge, too) reminded me of the much more entertaining scene in "Miami Blues." Yes, he killed the Hari Krishna guy, but it was fiction, and it was funny. As for PAD's real life encounter, I suspect the evangelist wasn't a Jews For Jesus fella – those guys are ‘way cool!

I used to play with tele-marketers and such. Now I just hang up and get back to whatever, or walk on by.

Interesting thing about panhandlers – there are regional differences. NYC, you can ignore them, and they expect it. West Coast (SF, LA), ignore them, and they take offense. West Coast sensibility, you are expected to engage with them, even if you aren't going to give alms. In NYC, rudeness is de rigeur and everyone knows it.

Should you give alms to a wino panhandler when it is freezing out? One school of charity-thought suggests you should give without any thought to whether the beggar will use the dough on sin or not. Then there is the Food Stamps school of thought – give in-kind charity, so they can't spend it on booze. Then there is the Ebeneezer school – give enough so the wino can get REALLY loaded, pass out in an alley, get hypothermia, and go to heaven.

As to Jeffrey S. Frawley on Catholics versus Christians – Ask a person what his religion is. If he says, "I'm Catholic," ask yourself why he didn't say, "I'm Christian." I have NEVER heard an RC say, "I'm Christian" as a reflexive response. It's always, "I'm Catholic." Moving to column "B," the old PC saw says that you shouldn't call people by a name they don't use for themselves. Okay, then – let's not.

I love ObeeKris's greeting. I never heard that one before. Gotta remember it. A greeting I do use on occasion is, "Porta's Mortuary. You stab ‘em. We slab ‘em."

Craig J. Ries gets in a good point about racially-targeted marketing. I live in California, and my name ends in a vowel, so you know I get tons of junk mail and such in Spanish. (I have no Hispanic heritage at all.) But the weirdest one I got was back in the days before there was a national do-not-call list. My Grampa Gill loved his Scotts heritage, my middle name is after Mom's brother, and I am listed in the phone book by full name – David Malcolm Porta (can be sung to the tune of "Fascinatin' Rhythm" and if you know your CBG, that tells you my surname's ethnicity). Telephone solicitor was black, and apparently, so am I. Didn't you know that "Malcolm' is a black name? My poor nephew: it's his first name.

What? I figured you'd LOVE learning that you're about to be living in the house that Crazy Larry The Ax Murderer killed all his victims in.

Oh THAT would be totally cool...my fear is that any death in our house has been the result of flicking the light switch.

Also, people who built houses in 1915 did not evidently have a lot of clothes to hang. If you add up ALL the closets in this 5 bedroom house together you would have a good sized modern closet. Clearly, we have become quite adept at collecting wasteful crap.

Fatter too. The hole to get up to the attic is too small for even my modest frame. For all I know, Crazy Larry is right up there, biding his time. Freezing too--insulation must be a post-1915 invention. Tough luck, Larry!

David Porta - The point about Catholic/Christian is that any Catholic would answer the question "Are you a Christian?" with "Yes" or "Of course I am! I'm Catholic." My canoeing companions were under the impression that the answer would be "No." I know a few too many fundamentalists who think they are the only Christians, and others are dangerous lunatics.

The house we lived in back in Northern CA was interesting from an electrical POV. Our favorite phrase for it was "wired by madmen." Light switches that so far as we knew did nothing, a particular light bulb that so far as we could figure out had no switch to control it of any kind ... that sort of thing.

A lovely house in some ways, but insane in others.

TWL

In this day and age, most all people know what telemarketing is. If they take the job anyway, they know what they are in for. It's unfortunate, but it's reality.

When we first moved into the last house we had before my parents went the cookie-cutter condo route, I could turn on the basement light by slamming my open palm against the wall near the switch.

Like the Fonz with the jukebox.

Then my Dad had it fixed.

When you're a kid, turning on the light by flicking a switch is nowhere near as much fun as doing it like the Fonz.

And doesn't impress your friends nearly as much.

Tim, maybe the electricians were fans of the Winchester Mystery House.

Rick

Some parts of our house-to-be are wired using the old knob & tube method which, to me, sounds just a small step above the classic Frankenstein Wires & Kites process but many old time electricians swear that they are still "the best damn way to wire your house". These guys have probably touched a lot of exposed wires in their time though, so such advice should be accepted with caution. These people will also tell you that the best way to avoid zombie attacks is to board the windows and take turns shooting them with a shotgun when any fool knows that you should actually just bust up about 10 feet of staircase and sit quietly in the upstairs section of your house until you run out of food and/or the smaller, weaker members of your group.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkaxjymbfS0

Tim, maybe the electricians were fans of the Winchester Mystery House.

Could be -- our place was only 10-15 miles from the Winchester. That's not especially heartening, though, given what befell Sarah Winchester.

TWL

Posted by: David Porta

In NYC, rudeness is de rigeur and everyone knows it.

Old New York joke (which Ed McBain once translated to his fictional "Isola" in an 87th Precinct novel):

Tourist who's been in town for three days says to a local on the street: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me how to get to Times Square, or should I go f**k myself?"

Bill-congrats on the house. When's the party? Wanna talk about odd houses--I know someone who bought a place where the husband was very handy and the wife was very naggy. Rather than argue, he'd just build something when she'd start crabbing. Doors that open on walls, walls on top of walls, what looked like storage compartments that opened on walls--these people apparently fought a lot.

"I love ObeeKris's greeting. I never heard that one before."
Reminds me of how a friend answered the phone after watching Courage the Cowardly Dog--(Sing along if you know it---)

"Fred FredBURGER, Fred FREDburger, Fred FredBURGER, Fred FREDBurger...."

Y-yes, Bill, it's very c-c-cold up here. I c-can barely c-clutch my ax in a d-d-death grip. The zombies agree.

Bill Mulligan,

Perhaps it would be best if you had the entire house re-wired. Modern appliances can overload older systems.

As I know a person who inspects houses, I know that you can get a home inspection in northwest Ohio for about $250. Don't know what it would cost in your area, but it might be a good idea to have the house gone over by an expert before you buy, or before you start to re-model and possibly come across hidden problems.

Thanks Alan--good advice. Fortunately I'm married to someone who thinks of these things. It was our inspector (a tad more than $350 but worth every penny) who pointed out that there were wires that even HE was afraid to get too close too. So we hired an electrical inspector and he gave it the big once over and we negotiated with the seller to fix things prior to our moving in and/or me electrocuting my stupid self. We close Monday!

Bill-congrats on the house. When's the party?

March 2, if by party you mean we make you carry boxes into the house and give you beer and pizza. Luckily we have many friends who think that is a pretty sweet deal. You know one of the great things about low budget movie making? You end up with a huge call list of people who are happy to put themselves in uncomfortable positions for meager rewards.

Y-yes, Bill, it's very c-c-cold up here. I c-can barely c-clutch my ax in a d-d-death grip. The zombies agree.

When they thaw out you'll be glad you have the axe.

BTW, from the shelled pecans I have found beneath the small opening to the closet, I, detective Mulligan, have deduced that there may be squirrels up there. Be careful, my crazy homicidal friend, they can deliver quite the nip.b

You know what's interesting? For as many pecans as I've had in my life, I don't know that I've ever seen one in the shell.

As for Rude York--yeah, you'll run into it on occasion, but generally whenever I've been there(I used to go up at least twice a week) rude was the exception, not the rule. Now, to have full disclosure, I haven't been up there much lately apart from several basketball games at the Garden. Anybody else have this experience, or am I just really thick and not good at paying attention to things?

> Now if we could only do something about email spam.

Only two ways I can think of.

1 - as a friend suggested, a parallel mail network which can only be posted in by verifyable sources.

2 - a true 'AI' system to scan through all mail traffic to filter out spam intelligently.

Neither are likely in the near future, unfortunately.

Bill Mulligan: Some parts of our house-to-be are wired using the old knob & tube method....
Luigi Novi: And you thought the repairman with the exposed butt crack showed too much. I don't wanna know how this guy installed your system without electrocuting himself.

Yeah, OK.

Mulligan.

You have an axe-murderer in your attic, possibly alive, possibly not. You also have a possible infestation of homicidal squirrels. And bad electrical wiring.

Oh, and possibly Zombies as well.

Gosh, I am just *so* looking forward to visiting you and Shonna next month.

Do I look like I have good enough credit to buy a noninfested, haunted, axe-murderer dwelling domicile??? We were lucky to get this one, lucky I say!

As for the electrical fires, don't be such a namby pamby. A free bucket of baking soda is provided in each bedroom.

It could be worse. You forgot to tell him it's easy to find your place since it's the house by the cemetery.

Hmmmm. Guess that means we need to add the basement to the things we don't go into when visiting Mulligan's place.

Oh yeah, Dr. Freudstein. Nice guy. Quiet. Loves kids.

Luckily we didn't get The old dark house at the edge of Dead End Park. You know, the last house on the left. The house where evil dwells. Doug Evil. Nice guy. Quiet. Loves kids.

Just a few minutes ago, the phone rings. It's a telemarketer. She asks for me by first name.

"Who's calling?" I ask, knowing full well it's a telemarketer and not someone of my acquaintance, because I can hear the sounds of a telemarketing call center in the background.

She says she's calling from a particular bank.

"What do you want?" I ask.

"When would be a good time to reach him?" she asks.

I decide to confirm my identity.

"This is him. What do you want?"

And she hangs up.

Muy interesante.

Rick

Jeffrey S. Frawley, what you wrote. "My canoeing companions were under the impression that [any Catholic would answer the question "Are you a Christian?" with] the answer would be "No."

Your companions thought RCs would deny being Christian?
What else? Do they think Jews For Jesus would deny being Jews?

As to "fundamentalists," why limit yourself? It was The Reformer, Martin Luther, who identified the pope as anti-christ, and the RCC as the whore of Babylon.

What do I hear? "Oh, those Lutherans and their Book of Concord, and that whole Protestant Reformation! Gosh-darnit!"

Bill Mulligan said:
"Fortunately I'm married to someone who thinks of these things. It was our inspector (a tad more than $350 but worth every penny) who pointed out that there were wires that even HE was afraid to get too close too. So we hired an electrical inspector and he gave it the big once over and we negotiated with the seller to fix things prior to our moving in and/or me electrocuting my stupid self."
=====
Great! You've spent less than $1000 on inspectors and may have saved yourself 10s of thousands in fire losses.

David Porta: My canoeing companions would have denied just about anything reasonable that you could think of. These are the same people who respond to the question "How do you know the Bible is true?" with "Well, of course it is! It says right in it that it is. What's wrong with you?" I've gotten into arguments with people like them by pointing out that I could write a book which claimed to be true but was not. They reply "...but that would be a lie, and the Bible isn't a lie...because it says it ISN'T a lie! Don't you get it?" It's hard to see how someone could be so convinced only his own faith in a Christian denomination founded more than 1500 years after the death of Christ is really the only real Christianity - but that's exactly the way many feel.

You're right that Luther (and many others) condemned opponents as heretics, liars and Antichrists. It was small-minded then, and remains so today.

While I agree with Bill that 90% of telemarketers are just trying to get through a mind numbing day in Hell (insert preferred ring here), I feel that the most insistant, the "you REALLY need our Super Turbo Diesel Powered Sponge Sharpener and Carpet Buffer" types do earn my best material.

If, after the individual on the other end has not accepted my "Sorry, not interested, and please do not call in the future", all bets are off.

Religious sales calls go straight to all bets are off.
_________________________________________________
Caller: Is Erin (my wife's maiden name) available?

Me: Who's calling?

Caller: DeLuxe Cat Waxing and Dog Polishing.

Me: Sorry, she hasn't been available since our wedding day.
_______________________________________________

Caller: Have you heard the good word about Jesus?

Me: He's got the 5 bucks he owes me?
________________________________________________

Jehovah's witness at my door: I was wondering if I could come in and talk to you?

Me (pracising Pagan with pentagram on and altar in north end of house): What are we going to talk about?

J.W: What's you're view on the Last Days that we are in?

Me: Last days?

J.W: Before the Elect are called to the Throne.

Me: You're sure you're on of the Elect?

J.W:....(confused look)

Me: Sorry, my Goddess doesn't do preferential treatment, or terroristic threats of "Last Days". You still wanna talk?
________________________________________________

My parents immigrated from Switzerland (my father via Germany) in '66. My mother is from the Engadine region, southeast near the Italian border (beautiful country, go if you can). In that region is a dialect called Romansch, sort of a mash of Latin, Italian and German. You pretty much have to pick it up from birth.

THAT is what my mom still drops on them. Works real good.

Weighing in onb the question of what Jeffery's friends might or might not say - despite the fact that many of the more p[romonent of the FOunding Fathers were from the SOuthern colonies, and that most of them (if they followed any established religion) would have been Church of England/Anglican, when we moved South in the mid-50s, it was not at all uncommon for conversations to include the exchange:

"What church do you go to?"

"We're Episcopalian."

"Is that Christian?"

Of course, in those days, it was not unusual for people in the South to try to spell my name "Welborn", either. (Nowadays, they mostly just translate it into "Webber"...)

I think "friends" would be a bit strong. "People I ran into around 1977 and a few who used to live across the street from me" would be closer to the truth. I'm not opposed to religion, but distrust anyone who uses it to avoid having to reason for himself.

I smiled at him and said, in a gentle voice, "I am Jesus."

He looked at me uncertainly, laughed uncomfortably, and said, "No, you're not."

I put a hand on his shoulder and said, "Yes, I am, my son. I have returned. All will be well. Spread my word."

Pad,

It would have been neat if your name was Jesus pronounced the Spanish way.

Thanks for the reminder, Manny. It's well past time for my cats to have their annual wax.

Whenever we get these calls at dinnertime, we ask the caller for their home phone number and what time they'll be sitting down for dinner. When they ask why we want to know, we tell them it's so we can call them back during their dinner.

well, I just quit a job where i had to do quite a bit of cold calling and sales.

It's amazing how idiotic some people think those of us who have to make phone calls are. For instance, after leaving a message, and then asking the person on the line who it is I am leaving a message with. This usually gets a uh, um uh, click.

My favorite is when some one hangs up on you in the middle of you telling them what you are calling about. At that point I call them right back, and say in a completely ignorantly innocent voice. "Sorry about that Mr./Mrs. SoandSo, I think we just got disconnected."

Basically if you don't want to get called back again, tell the people this. Don't just hang up on them, don't say so and so isn't here right now. This means you will get called back later. If you are interested in information, tell them a better time for them to call you back, so they are not interupting anything. If you never want to hear from them again, tell them please take me off your list.

Finally, remember these are real live people you are speaking to. They probably don't want to be calling you and bothering you, but they need to do something to put food on their family's table. It boggles my mind how people feel it's ok to yell at, scream at, or call some one dirty names because they took 30 seconds away from your evening. Just because you have the right to say what you want, you don't have the right to be a jerk.

While I don't do it all the time, what I tend to say is, "Listen Buddy, I am really not interested. Please take me off your list, and have a good night."

Phil:
"Just because you have the right to say what you want, you don't have the right to be a jerk."

Bullshit.

If, however, one chooses to be a jerk, or as we say in my native tongue an 'asshole,' one must be ready to accept the consequenses of that choice.

Everyone has a right to be an asshole. In fact many businesses are based on the concept.

Corporations that fire Americans for foreign labor: Assholes.

Auditors who enjoy working for the I.R.S.: Assholes.

Credit card companies: Assholes.

Religous and youth oriented organizations that continue to shildren at risk: Assholes.

Baks that charge a fee while using your money to make themselves money: Assholes.

Reality T.V.: Shows run by assholes to display the behavior of other assholes.

If we deny people the right to be an asshole we'd put millions more out of work. That can't be good for the ecconomy.

Mitch,
Just some asshole with internet access.

Megan: "Whenever we get these calls at dinnertime, we ask the caller for their home phone number and what time they'll be sitting down for dinner. When they ask why we want to know, we tell them it's so we can call them back during their dinner."

Sorry to take the wind out of your sails, Megan, but you're comparing apples and oranges. Telemarketers are calling you from their place of work, and have limits placed on their behavior by their management. If you, on the other hand, had their home phone number, you could curse them out, call them at 2 a.m., call them repeatedly and hang up, or otherwise harrass them without easy recourse on their part.

Besides, griping at a telemarketer is like bitching at a cashier because you don't like the prices at Wal-Mart. In both cases, the people pulling the strings are many times removed from the situation.

And, uh, you do realize that telemarketers receive telemarketing calls at home too, right? So they do indeed "know what it feels like."
Posted by: Phil at February 18, 2008 01:03 AM
well, I just quit a job where i had to do quite a bit of cold calling and sales.

Phil: "For instance, after leaving a message, and then asking the person on the line who it is I am leaving a message with. This usually gets a uh, um uh, click.

"My favorite is when some one hangs up on you in the middle of you telling them what you are calling about. At that point I call them right back, and say in a completely ignorantly innocent voice. 'Sorry about that Mr./Mrs. SoandSo, I think we just got disconnected.'"

Oh, dude.

Phil, Phil, Phil.

This is exactly the kind of horseshit that leads people to call residential telemarketers "scum." Calling people in their homes is intrusive enough as it is. If someone offers to take a message, leave it at that. If someone hangs up, move on to the next prospect.

By refusing to adopt such high-pressure tactics, I may have cost myself some sales during my telemarketing days. But the low-key and respectful style of selling I learned to adopt as a telemarketer is exactly what allowed me to break into corporate sales, where there's more money and WAAAAYYYYY more job satisfaction. Many of the telemarketers who used to scoff at me for "not having the guts" to do the things you described are still telemarketers.

Posted by: Phil

My favorite is when some one hangs up on you in the middle of you telling them what you are calling about. At that point I call them right back, and say in a completely ignorantly innocent voice. "Sorry about that Mr./Mrs. SoandSo, I think we just got disconnected."

...and this is the sort of reason why i keep a police whistle by my phone.

The best one I ever did was with Sprint. I had been getting hammered by phone companies wanting me to change my plan, and I was happy with what I had.

The Sprint lady caught me on a bad day. She said, "Hello, I'm Sally with Sprint, how are you today?" I pretended that I couldn't hear her. We went back and forth for a minute, with her speaking louder and louder, articulating her sentences more and more. I pretended to finally get that she was talking about telephone service, and said, "Why does the U.S. Mint care about my phone service?" She spoke loudly into the phone and re-identified herself as U.S. SPRINT, sir. I ended the call with "look, if you guys can't get ahold of me with a clear connection when you're soliciting my business, why should I think that your regular service is going to be any better?" and hung up.

Yeah, I know. Yukyukyuk. Emily Latella lives, and all that.

Sally submarined me, though...she called back the next day and spoke a couple of sentences with me to make sure that the connection was clear, and THEN she identified herself.

I still didn't take the service.

With all due respect to Mr. Myers, I do understand that telemarketing is a job nobody wants, filled with rejection.

But a) nobody made anyone take that job, and b) phone calls are by their very nature intrusive. When you cold call someone you don't know, you deserve exactly what you get.

When someone annoys me, I reserve the right to annoy them right back.

And I know that every single point that I made has been made (and answered)by other people on this post.

But it's my take, and the "U.S. Mint" line always gets a laugh when I tell the story, so there you are.

Have a lovely day.

True story from about ten years ago.

Prior to the no call list being put into law, I was getting calls from Capital One damn near every day. After about the fifth day in a row, I told them I wasn't going to get their credit card and to stop calling. I got a call back the very next day, so I asked to speak to a manager. I very irately told him that I didn't want called, I didn't want their credit card and to stop bothering me.

He sighed and said...

...I swear on my mother's grave this is true...

"Look buddy, it's my job to make these calls, and it's yours to have to listen to them."

That was the only time I ever told anyone on the phone "F--- you!"

I hung up, but as Seinfeld once said, it just isn't satisfying to press the disconnect button on a cordless. You want to slam the receiver down.

I think I was shaking for about a half hour after that one.