Over on "aintitcoolnews.com," a review was posted of my novelization of "Spider-Man 3." And among the comments that ensued was this howler from an individual billing himself as "HumanEnhancement", which I present without comment...because I'm sure you guys will have a field day:
"Peter David...royally screwed up those "Star Trek" novels he wrote, much like his wife Diane Duane."
PAD
LOL! I'm a fan of both of you and while i haven't read the novelization yet (it's three feet away and a constant temptation) i can assume that you haven't even come close to screwing it up! I love idiots!
Heh heh heh. That's right up there with the "and who does this Chris Claremont think she is anyway?" story you passed along in the early '90s.
And hey, he could've made it much worse: at least he paired you off with another terrific writer. He could've said, oh ... Diane Carey. :-)
TWL
Peter... just how long did you think you could get away with keeping this from your other wives???
And more importantly, how could you let this AICN guy reveal your bigamy scheme?
Eeesh. Somewhere, I'm hearing the Book intoning, "then he realized that if they stopped talking, their brains start working." Or words to that effect.
Just goes to show you, the Misinformation Superhighway is not a beauty contest winner.
But look at the bright side. At least Wiki didn't say you were dead.
Wait... you're Peter Morwood as well as Dafydd ab Hugh? Next we'll find out you're part of L.A. Graf, too.
In the poster's (incredibly meagre) defense, Diane's husband is also named Peter and also writes SF/F and has also written 1.5 Trek novels.
That is priceless...it helps if you say the words with a stuffy English accent, too. :)
Given Diane's husband's last name, there's some sort of really horrible pun waiting in the wings, but I can't figure out a way to put it together that wouldn't be horribly insulting to one or more people. I'll leave it as a challenge for braver men than I.
Hang on... i though Diane Duane WAS Diane Carey!
Man ... not even on her worst days. :-)
TWL
(not a Carey fan, in case it wasn't obvious)
So just for purposes of clarification...did you and Diane both screw up Star Trek books, or did you screw up both Star Trek books and Diane Duane?
Peter is not a part of L.A. Graf!
L.A. Graf is a part of PETER! (intone scary music here)
As Mark Twain once said, 'Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them, the rest of us could not succeed.'
But that being said, it was the biggest laugh I've had all day.
Peter, I was wondering -- as you write the novelization for a Spider-Man movie, are you imagining the actors performing the story, or do you get the same sort of images in your head that you get when writing a script for a Spider-Man comic?
That's a pretty severe criticism by HumanEnchancement, considering all the products and services you buy from him to keep your numerous wives happy. On the other hand, I hear handing over access to your bank account may encourage a positive review from WidowofaNigerianGeneral.
I really just have to wonder, and I know I'm gonna hate myself in the morning--
Just what part of this alleged Human has been enhanced? Don't think it could be the intellect or taste. Don't wanna think of any other options, because then I'd have to mummify myself and remove my offended brain with a thin wire through my nose. It'll be messy.
Oh dear... and you wrote all my favourite Star Trek novels, too. Does that mean my entire understanding of the franchise is fundamentally... screwed?
Sean Scullion wrote: "But look at the bright side. At least Wiki didn't say you were dead."
I take it Wikipedia did say someone else was dead. That doesn't surprise me. Any "encyclopedia" open to edits by anyone should be viewed with extreme scepticism. Case in point, a former high school classmate has a Wikipedia entry. I looked it up and was surprised to learn he'd spent his formative years in another state. So, I just imagined seeing him around the school all those years?
I know, maybe I went to school with his mirror universe counterpart. That'd at least explain why he was the only 14-year-old with a goatee.
And speaking of "official" sources claiming one is dead, consider my high school's latest alumni directory (which, I stress, was published by an outside firm and not the school itself). Individuals are listed in several categories: a general index; geographic location; careers; and graduating class, among them. In the graduating class category those people for whom they don't have a current address are marked with a single asterisk (*), those who are deceased are marked with two asterisks (**)
So I receive the book and accompanying CD ROM on a Friday and I discover two asterisks next to a former classmate's name. Wait a minute? He's dead? When did this happen? How did this happen? How is it that I haven't heard word one about it? There were only 87 of us in our graduating class, and word about something like that would get around pretty quickly. Two of my former classmates had already died since graduation, and I learned about both very quickly.
So, I make a few calls to some fellow former classmates. Had they heard anything? Not a word. I checked the alumni section of the school's website for any recent death announcements. Again, nothing. I go online and check the obits in both our hometown paper and those of the city where he'd lived. Nada.
I have just one option left. I have his business card at work. So, Monday morning I get to the office, I dial the number, and I ask to speak to him. I figure that's the best way to proceed. I can't very well just call up and say, "hi, I'm just checking. Is ____ dead?" (though that does remind me of a Bloom County strip where a bored Milo, at the obits desk of the Bloom Beacon, dials a number from the phone book and says, "just checking.")
And he comes on the phone. He doesn't sound dead, at least. And so I explain why I'm calling, that there were two asterisks next to his name, stating that so far as the alumni directory was concerned, he'd shuffled off this mortal coil.
"They think I'm dead?!" He asked, loud enough that I could hear his co-workers' reactions over the phone. He went on to assure me he wasn't dead, and I'm taking him at his word. I saw him at our last reunion, and again, from all appearances, he's not dead. If he's faking, kudos to his acting skills.
I understand there were other factual errors in that alumni directory, and that school officials were a bit... annoyed at the publisher for those errors. My guess? New publisher next time around.
And PAD, ditto what Bill Myers said about your foolish efforts to keep this from your other wives. And for that matter, whom else are you married to? And is it true that "that Jo Duffy guy" was the best man at the most recent nuptials?
Rick
Yep, Wikipedia makes mistakes, though there are those studies that compared its accuracy to Encyclopedia Britannica, and they came off comparable.
I have a high school friend who has written some television scripts, and her IMDB bio says she helped produce a movie the same year I know she was in high school. She shares a name with someone else, obviously, and the credits need to be split.
I can't remember whether it was Marvel or IDW that screwed up a page of one of PAD's comics within the past few months.
That reminds me of my own High School Newsletter. In the very same issue that noted that my brother married his classmate, giving their new address, the issue listed her as "missing, location unkown." The best part is that they actually sent them three copies of the issue at the new address -- one to my brother in his name, one in her maiden name, and one in her new married name.
And, to bring it back on topic, although I don't think that PAD always does a perfect job of nailing his Star Trek characters (and NF titles occaisonally strech suspesnion of disbelief to near breaking points) he has NOT "royally screwed up those "Star Trek" novels he wrote..."
Spooon
He's confusing you with Bazaro David.
That guy am so smart!
The word on Wikipedia: Trust but verify
Popular online encyclopedia, plagued by errors, troubles educators
By Lisa Daniels and Alex Johnson
MSNBC and NBC News
Updated: 7:24 p.m. ET March 22, 2007
Welcome to Ain't It Cool News, or as I like to think of it, the Mental Midget Wrestling Association. You realize that many of Harry Knowles's "spies" are actually him, right? And that the site is full of "plants" giving positive reviews of movies to help the company that employs the plant? Thank God you didn't read the letter columns; compared to the flame wars here, AICN's "talkback" is like Iraq on a nasty day.
I've said for years that the best Star Trek novels are written by people who have a five-letter man's first name as their last name.
Diane Carey is the exception that proves the rule.
And I once attributed one of Duane's books to PAD, accidentally referring to "Q Squared" as "Dark Mirror." In my defense, both outstanding novels DO deal with similar themes...
J.
(waves at PAD) Oh, people. Snort. CLUNK! Roll-flail-guffaw-flail-roll.
(deep breath)
It was fated, I'm sure, that I didn't hear about or see that message until the morning of April 1. :) Alas, the tea in my keyboard!
...Anyway, gonna go "screw up" a movie now. ;) (Rewrites, don't we all love rewrites...) But my day has been made. Thank You All.
So THAT's where you got the inspiration for "Soul Mates" - your own life! I should have known.
Who's your third wife, then?
Oh my God... I know! JMS is a woman and he's married to Peter!
I offer the following example, taken from the aicn.com thread, as to why it sucks to have Diane annoyed with you"
"Attn "HumanEnhancement": "Peter David ... royally screwed up those "Star Trek" novels he wrote, much like his wife Diane Duane." BZZT! Wrong answer. Diane Duane is married to novelist / screenwriter Peter _Morwood._ For twenty years now. As for "screwing up" characterization: Doubtless that's why Marvel asked me to do those first three original Spidey hardcover novels. Yeah, that's the ticket. :) ...But thanks for playing. (looks around for gofer) Somebody want to give this lucky contestant a No-Prize on the way out? Thanks."
You sure told him, honey.
PAD
In truth, I've always been curious about what a collaboration between you and Diane Duane would be like...? Now that the idea's in the air, how about it? Is there anything on which the two of you could work together?
PAD -- well, maybe I poked the poor guy a little harder than necessary, breaking Eddison's Law: "Eagles need not quarry on flies." ...I blame the tea, myself. We were out of normal tea this morning and I was drinking decaf. Pfui.
But let's say I was also annoyed on your behalf. Novelization of film/TV is some of the most unforgiving of book work, and can also be some of the most unrewarding work if things go wrong. And if that happens (and routinely it does), it's always *your* fault: not the script, not the plot, not the pacing, not the way you kept having to rejig the draft when the movie's cut changed. Again. And again. And *again.* ...Whereas if you manage to pull it all off / pull it together somehow, then it's because the movie was great: not because of anything *you* did.
(sigh) I really should walk down to the pub and get that tea. My cranky is showing.
I think it was either Alan Dean Foster or Orson Scott Card...one of those three-name guys...who observed that when a terrific book is made from a movie, it's still viewed as a licensed product and accorded little-to-no respect. But if a terrific movie is made from a book, the writer can get an Oscar.
PAD
Hmm...I like PAD, Duane and Carey. What's the complaints on Carey? Her stories come off a little fawning, but fun.
I admittedly enjoyed the Piper books when I first read them in high school... but they are quite transparent Mary Sues, and essentially fanfic elevated to publication. Plus, they resulted in the famous Big Three edict and ruined the alternative-character game for everyone else...
I haven't read the more recent Careys, so can't comment on them.
John:"Yep, Wikipedia makes mistakes, though there are those studies that compared its accuracy to Encyclopedia Britannica, and they came off comparable."
No, they didn't. The survey that Wikipedia likes to trumpet as showing that its accuracy is comparable to Britannica actually shows that Wikipedia is 31% more inaccurate, which personally I don't find to be an insignificant difference. What's more, it only compared science articles, which as anyone who's spent any serious time on Wikipedia can attest, can only be seen as vastly slanting the results in favour of Wikipedia--where the 'Pedia really falls down is in the hateful, nationalistic & just plain ill-informed morass that is its articles on the humanities and social sciences. Or the vapid "Hey look at what I can write about!" crap that is its popular culture articles.
And even by hamstringing the process in this way, Wikipedia only gets to spin these results positively by ignoring the additional comments from the reviewers, who routinely (while not being told which was the Britannica article and which the Wikipedia article) pointed out that the Wikipedia articles read like gibberish.
Rob,
What's the complaints on Carey?
Consider all of this prefaced with a huge "this is just my opinion," since she obviously sells well enough that plenty of people must like her work.
That said, to me...
Her TOS books are okay, but (as has been mentioned already) are extremely Mary Sue-ish.
Her TNG books read as if she has zero idea who any of the characters are or how they behave. _Ghost Ship_, her first book, can be excused on that basis since she was working solely from the writers' bible and no aired product, but I at least got the sense from reading it that not only did she not understand the characters, but she didn't like them and didn't want to write about them.
Her contribution to the "Double Helix" miniseries was pretty much unreadable. It was supposed to be a TNG-era novel, but you have it focusing on Spock and a 140-year-old Bones teaming up and the hero worship everybody has for them.
TOS hero-worship, obsessions with nautical themes, and a general dislike of most characters she doesn't create herself other than the Big Three. No. Thank you, but no.
TWL
1WTF. Did this guy drink too much West Virginia moonshine or something???? "HumanEnhancment" my big pimply Klingon butt. Any morron can make broad mocking statements like that, at least have the guts to post your real name and stand behind what you wrote.
But maybe he realized just how small and stupid he was and all he could do was bash good and talented people like Peter and Dianewhose work makes the world a better place and decided to hide like a little rat. "HumanEnhancement", you are not!!!!
Pedantic teeth-gnashing pet peeve alert. The exception does not prove the rule, it TESTS the rule or, in some cases it invalidates the rule - e.g. Seeing one white crow invalidates the rule that all crows are black! Also, the proof is not in the pudding (unless you've put rum in it) but the "proof of the pudding is in the eating". (Slow down, Rev. Not important. Deep breath. Deep breath)
Peter: I merely assumed that you are, in fact, Jamie Madrox and that you get around a lot!
In any event, I am eagerly awaiting the next NF novel, no matter how badly it is written and how little you understand the characters you created. (I am reminded of an individual at the government office where I used to work who told me that I did not understand a particular policy ... that I had, in fact, written. After explaining this rather germane fact, I was nevertheless informed, once again, that I did not understand the policy).
Best regards to all who blog here. Reading your thoughts often shakes me from my intellectual torpor and ennui. It's nice to know that the world is not filled with naught but idiots (just my part of it). (Is that a double-negative? If it is, does it work? Shouldn't I be doing something productive???)
Cheers
"JMS is a woman and he's married to Peter!"
Wait, JMS is married to Peter Parker? Is this Quesada's master plan to get rid of Mary Jane??
Or do I need to eat breakfast before trying to engage my brain. Yeah, that's it.
"Welcome to Ain't It Cool News, or as I like to think of it, the Mental Midget Wrestling Association. You realize that many of Harry Knowles's "spies" are actually him, right? And that the site is full of "plants" giving positive reviews of movies to help the company that employs the plant? Thank God you didn't read the letter columns; compared to the flame wars here, AICN's "talkback" is like Iraq on a nasty day."
Yikes. Well being the 'spy' in question in this case, I can tell you that no, I'm not Harry Knowles...but I am married to him. Wikipedia tells me so. Anyway, I'm still betting that Peter's novelization will still be better than the movie, if his track record holds up.
I'd imagine it'd be Card who did an absolutely brilliant novelization of THE ABYSS.
Still waiting for a novelization for the Harry Potter movies. I think it would be decent read (especially the inevitable Young Voldemort series that would follow).
But... I thought Keith R.A. DeCandido was the second coming of Peter David... so... does that mean Keith has been messing with Kathleen while she's been writing under Diane Duane's name???
I've got the SM-3 novel coming soon, and have my own review posted asap.
So when exactly does Mr. Roper show up at the door?
Tim - Re your comment about Duane.
I didn't mind GHOST SHIP. Interesting idea. It had its moments. But, to be honest, it seemed the exception. I haven't read a lot of ST novels, but they generally didn't 'grab' me. In fact, that was why my buying ROCK & A HARD PLACE (my introduction to PAD's work) was surprising. I had pretty much given up on them. For the most part, it's still true. Other than PAD's ST novels, I tend to eschew them. And can't help remembering one respected SF author who, late night at an SF convention, stated to a con suite full of fans (including yours truly) that they would be happy to write a second ST novel - provided Paramount would allow them to kill off the main characters. For good. OK, the individual was likely a tiny minority, but still not a ringing endorsement.
Well, PAD, I don't know about all of your wives or nothin' like that.
All I know is that a friend of mine read through the Spider-Man 3 novelization and said he cried like a little girl at the end of it. So, bravo sir!
Tim - Re your comment about Duane.
Actually about Diane Carey, thankee much. Diane Duane rarely misfires, and even on those occasions when I haven't been totally enthralled the result has at least been an engaging read. (That's Trek and non-Trek, BTW -- I've no idea what non-Trek work Diane Carey has done, if any.)
TWL
Peter David has many wives?
He doesn't look Mormon.
.
.
.
.
.
"... and decided to hide like a little rat."
Jeez, Josh, as a long time Rat, first off, whattaya got against us, and second, WE won't claim him!
As far as Ghost Ship--I read that twice in one day. (Field trip from just outside Philly to Manhattan, what else was I gonna do, listen to the dirty fortune cookies someone thought it'd be funny to get? Trust me, after three of 'em, the joke gets old.) I liked it, but as far as NG books go, it's not one of the ones that stand out in my memory.
He doesn't look Mormon.
I heard Peter changed his name from Peter Davidian to evade ATF and Comic Code Authority surveillance.
I think we're all missing the point here: Bigamy is freakin' awesome. Or a headache. I forget which.
Now, now - If Peter were a Mormon, his daughters would be married by now. Perhaps it's Merman...
If Peter were a Mormon, his daughters would be married by now. Perhaps it's Merman.
It's rumored Peter does a killer "Everything's Coming Up Joe Smith" on Mormon karaoke-night.
Wow, You're a Mormon? Do you plan on running for president now? :)
To be seriouis, Aint It Cool News is, well, cool, but the fanbase sometimes be at the bottom of the gene pool (and I love Diane Duane's Trek work, my favorite being "The Wounded Sky").
This is just plain silly.
Quite agree, quite agree. Silly, silly, silly.
We GROK Peter David! We GROK Spidey... Long live the King of Film Novelization...
As for the "Enhancement" -- Let those who love us , love us; let those who do not love us write stupid stuff about us, so that those who do love us can laugh ridiculously at them while we point at their tiny genitalia.....
I like Diane Carey -- she's impressively prolific and consistently readable, if nothing special. There are far worse things to be. You don't know what a Mary Sue really is until you read J. M. Dillard's The Lost Years.
- Z