If the man don't breathe, you must bequeath.
PAD
Posted by Peter David at March 29, 2005 10:22 PM | TrackBack | Other blogs commentingThe leader of perhaps the greatest and most expensive legal team ever assembled.
My MSN name is: "If the glove don't fit, I'm fucking dead"
Yours is actually, you know, witty.
"If the heart doth quit, you must write an obit."
Ok, that was bad.
You know, I bet OJ was pissed when he saw how little Robert Blake had to pay to beat the rap.
I bet the the dude who played Columbo has a few people he would like to snuff out.
You know I bet Peter Falk (Columbo) who smoke five or six people and get away with it.
Lee Majors could go on a bonafide killing spree. He played the stuntman detective Colt Severs on the television show The FallGuy and he played the six million dollar man.
Does anyone remeber the TV show "Simon and Simon"? Those guys would get one murder between them.
Sadly, the dude who played "Remington Steele" doesn't get any free murders, ditto for the cast of "The Scarecrow and Mrs.Kane"
Dude - poor taste.
You don't see the humor
In a man's brain tumor?
Tumor in your head?
Man, soon you'll be dead.
Actually, this is sad. Without Johnny's wisdom, how will we ever find Nicole's killer? OJ's searching the golf courses high and low, but justice hasn't been satisfied yet...
I think this event, and the epitaph, should get the seriousness and somberness it deserves.
*deep breath*
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Whew! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
You know, I don't think that there is an jury capable of handing down a guilty verdict where Lee Majors is concerned.
Sadly, the dude who played "Remington Steele" doesn't get any free murders, ditto for the cast of "The Scarecrow and Mrs.Kane"
First off, by your logic, the dude who played "Remington Steele", James Bond's Pierce Brosnan, would get plenty of free murders. Secondly, if the star of "The Scarecrow and Mrs.King" killed his wife, he would be killing the beloved "Laura Ingalls-Wilder" and there is no way that he would get away with that!
Sadly, the dude who played "Remington Steele" doesn't get any free murders
Actually, he got a license to kill.
Does Pierce Brosnan live in America? You kind of have to live in America for this to work.
I wonder how many people that dude who played Jim Rockford could murder? I think his name was James Garner right?
Holy Crap, Farrah Faucet could commit genocide and get away with it.
Yeah, but just thimk of all the damned souls in Hell that could use a good lawyer.
On second thought, the place is probably full of lawyers.
Harlen Ellison should be able to get away with a few.
If he hasn't already >;)
LMAO Brunner :)
Hey guys, was it true that the OJ murders kick started Jay Leno's Tonight Show reign? I heard David Letterman refused to do OJ jokes. Leno on the other hand dived right in and Letterman started doing OJ jokes after he saw the success that Leno was having with them.
Secondly, if the star of "The Scarecrow and Mrs.King" killed his wife, he would be killing the beloved "Laura Ingalls-Wilder" and there is no way that he would get away with that!
Ah, but John Sheridan has ALREADY killed Anna Sheridan and gotten away with it...
TWL
"Ah, but John Sheridan has ALREADY killed Anna Sheridan and gotten away with it..."
not only that he used the logic from aliens; Nuke the site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure!
JAC
"Hey guys, was it true that the OJ murders kick started Jay Leno's Tonight Show reign?"
No, but they pulled him out of ratings hell and saved his career, such as it is.
Hey guys if you turn on the news there's a tumour driving a ford bronco on the freeway.
there's a tumour driving a ford bronco on the freeway.
Heh. I think its less the reference and more the visual imagery of that line that made me laugh. Also, I keep picturing the tumour wearing a fake beard, and AC Cowlings is in the background, screaming into the cellphone "YOU KNOW WHO I AM, DAMMIT!!!"
If the death knells chime, then it's your time!
If the man expires, you'll hear heavenly choirs!
If Death reaps, you leave for keeps!
. . . okay, I gotta stop now. This is far too much fun to be legal.
Best one I've seen so far is "If the body don't stir, you must inter."
Excellent observation about the "Aliens" motif, Jeff but Sheridan didn't nuke the Shadows from orbit. He brought the nuke right down on top of himself. Nuking from orbit woulda been the sensible thing, but noooooo...
J.
I dig graveyard humor myself.
Y'know how deaths come in threes? Rev. Falwell doesn't look too good, and the Pope and Prince Ranier seem to be in a race between Church and State to expire first. And of course, Terri Schiavo is due any day now.
So which two out of four belong in a set with Cochran?
No, I don't think this is in bad taste. My plans for a Chia Terri Schiavo, *those* are in bad taste.
My initial comment was "OJ better not kill anybody else!". In the trial most people know him for, Cochran really did seem like a complete ass. If you read the obits, though, it seems the man did most of his work getting justice for the victims of police abuse.
All of this was in really bad taste.
Except for the William Shatner remark, which for some reason I found hysterical...
Harlan Ellison would not get away with one murder. This has nothing to do with celebrity status - once Harlan got in the courtroom he'd spout off and manage to piss off the majority of the jury. If he had a smart lawyer, he'd avoid the death penalty.
//likes Ellison, just sayin'
Imagine William Shatner, AND Leonard Nimoy, AND Patrick Stewart, on a killing spree? I'm thinking L.A. would be emptied in about 12 hours.
If the my heart don't beat, cover me with a sheet!
When my brain explodes, it's time for my final repose...
If you help a double murderer
Heaven's a whole lot furtherer
You know, usually this kind of vileness is reserved for Republicans and other scum.
Oh, wait, Cochran is the type that would be out to make Hitler as innocent as Mother Teresa.
So... I can't say I really care one way or the other.
Now, Jerry Falwell, on the other hand. If there's a Hell, this guy already has his ticket stamped for a one-way ride, imo.
once Harlan got in the courtroom he'd spout off and manage to piss off the majority of the jury.
Probably right, given the precedent of Socrates; before his oral defense he was probably going to get a slap on the wrist but so brilliant was his oratory that when it was over they made him drink hemlock.
It is sometimes possible to be too smart for your own good.
A quick comment about "the dude who played Remington Steel".
There was NO Remington Steele. Mr Steele was a fiction created by Laura Holt (played by Stephanie Zimbalist) to put clients more at ease. She believed that potential clients would accept her authority to investigate if the boss, "Mr Steele", was too busy to actually meet with the clients.
Pierce Brosnan (whose character's real name was never revealed if I recall correctly) played a thief who somehow discovered Ms Holt's little gimmick and took advantage of the situation. Brosnan's character was called Remington Steele from the first episode, but he was NOT "Remington Steele". (The gimmick recalled the old Thin Man movie series. Nick Charles, played by William Powell, was often called "the thin man" by moviegoers, which led to the film series using the "Thin Man" title, the only time there was a "thin man" was in the first film, when the character was played by Edward Ellis.)
Sorry for the nitpick--it's just something that always irks me when Pierce Brosnan is described as "the actor who played Remington Steele". More accurately, Brosnan is the actor who played a character who assumed the identity of Remington Steele. (I thoroughly loved the show during its first season. The tension between Laura Holt and "Remington Steele" was always great. The second season, though, saw that tense interaction wither to almost nothing as the two became too chummy and Laura actually seemed to become the employee she'd pretended to be according to the show's initial premise.)
It's not much different than people who believe Elsa Lanchester played the "Bride of Frankenstein". She played the Creature's mate (and Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley) but the real "Bride of Frankenstein" was played by Valerie Hobson.
I know this is a bit off-topic, but, PAD, what is this I hear about some upcoming issues of "Hulk" tying in with the upcoming "House of M" storyline?
I'm not looking for any spoilers about the "secret" of "House of M", but if you're the ongoing writer for "Hulk" (as I understood you to be), it just strikes me a bit odd that within a year of taking on a major Marvel title, that title is included as part of a major Marvel crossover storyline.
"I'm not looking for any spoilers about the "secret" of "House of M", but if you're the ongoing writer for "Hulk" (as I understood you to be), it just strikes me a bit odd that within a year of taking on a major Marvel title, that title is included as part of a major Marvel crossover storyline."
Why would that strike you as odd? You said it yourself: Hulk is a major Marvel title. So if they're doing a major Marvel crossover, well...
Remember, the thing that drove me nuts with (and eventually off) "X-Factor" was that every time I had a storyline going, I had to stop everything in order to accommodate yet another crossover. With "Hulk," the first storyline is complete in five, and the next issue is a done-in-one. So since I hadn't yet started a new storyline, when I was asked about "House of M," I said, "Sure, why not."
PAD
I guess that's one upside of Marvel insisting stories fit into trades. It's a lot harder to have them disrupted.
I keep thinking of the version of Cochrane that showed up in the adaptation of "Joker's Millions" on B:TAS...
"If he's filled with glee, he must go free!"
To be fair to the late Mr. Cochran, he did accomplish more in life other than the O.J. Simpson trial. Just ask Reginald Denny, the guy who got dragged out of his truck and beaten on live TV during the L.A. Riots, or Geronimo Pratt, who was imprisoned 27 years for a murder he didn't commit.
--R.J.
"All of this was in really bad taste."
I agree. I'm am really suprised by this thread. The man's job was to defend his client to the max and the balance should come from the prosecution prosecuting to the max.
"I agree. I'm am really suprised by this thread. The man's job was to defend his client to the max and the balance should come from the prosecution prosecuting to the max."
That's as may be. But the simple truth is that the OJ case was his major claim to fame, and the line about the glove was deliberately designed by Cochran to be a memorable sound bite. To my mind, announcing his passing using a twist on his most famous line is no different than newspaper headlines about the passing of Margaret Hamilton announcing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" (which was, by the way, the headline she specifically requested for her obit, and a number of newspapers indeed honored her wishes.)
PAD
So since I hadn't yet started a new storyline, when I was asked about "House of M," I said, "Sure, why not."
PAD
Quick question: Not a huge crossover fan here, but I am a huge PAD Hulk fan. On a scale of one to 10, how does the House of M arc stand on its own, as opposed to running around & picking up all the HoM books.
"Quick question: Not a huge crossover fan here, but I am a huge PAD Hulk fan. On a scale of one to 10, how does the House of M arc stand on its own, as opposed to running around & picking up all the HoM books."
If you're asking whether Hulk #83-#86 stands on its own, yes, it does. This isn't like "X-Cutioner's Song" or somesuch in which Hulk #83 is merely a middle chapter in a four issue-arc through three other titles that month.
Do I think you should pick up House of M to fully appreciate the full scope of the overall arc? All I can tell you is that *I'm* planning to (I haven't been on the Marvel comp list in years.)
PAD
Peter David wrote: To my mind, announcing his passing using a twist on his most famous line is no different than newspaper headlines about the passing of Margaret Hamilton announcing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" (which was, by the way, the headline she specifically requested for her obit, and a number of newspapers indeed honored her wishes.)
Peter...you've just pointed out how very different it is. Hamilton requested the headline.
Terrible news about Hulk and House of M. Terrible because I now have to pick up the mini. I was hoping to let this one pass, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. (Might as well pick up the Spidey mini while I'm at it.)
I'm glad see PAD's not ticked about the crossover. I am a little concerned, though. If PAD only gets one year on Hulk, then spending four issues or so as a tie-in to another event seems like a waste. Hopefully he'll have another good, long run with the character.
If the book's a tie-in, gotta do more buyin'.
Oh well.
once Harlan got in the courtroom he'd spout off and manage to piss off the majority of the jury.
Yeah. Can't you just see his opening line now....
"Now, if all you simple minded boobs in the jury box had half the brains to understand what was done and why......"
You actually think he would get out with his life?
Personally, what I thought was in poor taste was my own impulse to start a punk band and call it "Schiavo's Feeding Tube"...
1st rule Comedy it is not funny untill the dental records are back. Jezze wait till ole Johnny is buried. What if a person started making Terri Shavio jokes or some lil Conner petersen dittys.
What if a person started making Terri Shavio jokes
(old joke, but it's worth repeating)
Q) What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
A) Chewing the feeding tube.
What if a person started making Terri Schaivo jokes
Gallows humour is a time honoured tradition. Death and comedy just seem to go well together. Maybe it's a way of spitting in the Reaper's eye or something...
Hey! The pope is now on a feeding tube. I'm sure a suitable scoundrel could make something of that which would offend whole masses of people (literally) "I guess there was an extra one lying around and they thought, why not!" or some such.
What if a person started making Terri Schaivo jokes
Curtesy of cruel site of the day (www.cruel.com)
Personally, I have this picture in my head of Cochran outside the gates, laying the verbal malarkey on St. Peter, trying to talk his way in. (I mentioned it to a friend and he suggested "If the sins I didn't commit, you must admit!") I can't help it; I find that mental image hilarious.
I haven't followed this entire thread, though I've been amused by most of it. However, the "doesn't fit, must acquit" line was devised by Gerald Uehlmann (Santa Clara University law professor), not Cochran. It was Cochran who used it, but he didn't come up with it.
PAD,
"Remember, the thing that drove me nuts with (and eventually off) 'X-Factor' was that every time I had a storyline going, I had to stop everything to accommodate yet another crossover."
You've likely stated this before, but would you care to give an example of how this was such a burden? I realize crossovers got out of hand. But, especially in the '90s, they also meant higher sales and exposure for your work. Doesn't real life have many interruptions along the way? If you, I don't know, had an issue where you were going to have Strong Guy reveal his feelings for Polaris, and Mr. Sinister shows up to be dealt with first, isn't (or should say wasn't) there a way to work it into the crossover or around it?
"With 'Hulk' the first storyline in five, and the next issue is a done-in-one. So since I hadn't started a new storyline, I said, 'Sure, Why not?"
And there is a great chance you will pick up some new readers as a result.
"If you're asking whether Hulk #83-86 stands on it's own, yes it does."
Cool.
"This isn't like 'X-Cutioner's Song' or somesuch in which Hulk #83 is merely a middle chapter in a four-issue arc through three other titles that month."
Good for you.
Scott Iskow,
"Terrible news about Hulk and House of M."
No, it's not. It's good news.
"Terrible because I now have to pick up this mini."
Well, you don't really have to. You're choosing to.
"I was hoping to let this one pass, but alas, it wasn't meant to be."
You sound like you just lost your dream job or girlfriend or something. Lighten up.
"I'm glad to see PAD's not ticked about the crossover."
Yes, that's always good to see.
"I am a little concerned, though. If PAD only gets one year on the Hulk,"
Scott, initial orders were quite good. #77 was the 26th best selling book of the month. Considering the stagnant state of the book as of #76 and readers who had dropped the title or never read PAD's Hulk, that is impressive, It beat out a lot of other high-profile titles, characters and creators, as I stated on the "Hulk # 79" thread.
Repeat after me: The power of positive thinking. The power of positive thinking.
Last January, how many of us thought we would be seeing any PAD Hulk stories at all?
"then spending four issues or so as a tie-in to another event seems like a waste."
Didn't he just say it stands up well on it's own?
Look, everyone bitches when their favorite book, whatever it is, doesn't seem to get enough publicity or marketing. One of the most effective ways to do that is to have a book tie-in with an event to draw in readers who are interested in the book but may not be interested in all the individual titles.
While not always effective, crossovers can be tremendously so. Crossover events like "Bruce Wayne: Murderer/Fugitive" and "War Games" significantly increase sales of not only the core Bat-books, but books like "Nightwing", "Robin", "Catwoman", "Batgirl" and "Birds of Prey". I used to pick these up sporadically, but got into the habit of picking them up and they are now part of monthly comic purchases. I KNOW I would not be picking up "Birds of Prey" if they had not been a part of the crossovers. And I picked up my first issue of "The Outsiders" with #21, because it is tied-in with the after-effects of "Identity Crisis", which was pretty self-contained.
"Hopefully, he'll have another good, long run with the character."
On that we can agree:)
Do I think you should pick up House of M to fully appreciate the full scope of the overall arc? All I can tell you is that *I'm* planning to (I haven't been on the Marvel comp list in years.)
Alright, I'll stop being a cheap bastard for once in my life and pick up the HoM mini. Its only, like, 6 issues anyway.
From reading online, I'm guessing HoM is an alternate universe kind of deal, so I can see PAD working angle that like a mofo for his storyline. I'd be awesome if the Hulk HoM tie in boosts the sales of Hulk even more, cuz then maybe we get more PAD on the Hulk. And that would make me weep like a baby with joy.
On a completely unrelated note, I just want to brag that I just saw "Sin City" and it is offically the Greatest Movie Ever In the History of Anything.
REALLY OFF TOPIC HERE
I was just looking up a dvd listing for my wife on cduniverse.com and saw that they were taking advanced orders for The Tomorrow People from A&E Home Video. Does anyone know if this is the crap show from a few years ago or the one that ran on PBS & Nick in the 70's and 80's?
>Hey guys, was it true that the OJ murders kick >started Jay Leno's Tonight Show reign?
No, it isn't. What kick started Jay Leno's reign was when he got Hugh Grant on first to talk about his infidelity.
-MJT
***Off Topic*** (well kinda, it deals with death)
Terri Schaivo died 10 minutes ago. She was famous in her own right, but imo the media made her death a circus.
All I can tell you is that *I'm* planning to (I haven't been on the Marvel comp list in years.
WHAT?
How cheap are these bastards (I don't expect you to answer). Really though, that's awfully small of them.
I'd only put part of the blame on the media for the Terri coverage. The other part belongs with her parents. All the video and images of Terri from the last 15 years look to have been released by her parents. It seems incongruos for a family to claim to love her and support her to release images of her in the state she's in. Showing the images of the vacant stare and the lack of response strips her of what little dignity she had left. Now, millions of people will only see those images when they remember Mrs. Schiavo, rather than the images of her before her injury.
[i]Personally, what I thought was in poor taste was my own impulse to start a punk band and call it "Schiavo's Feeding Tube"...[/i]
You could do a cover of the Fresh Prince song "Parents Just Don't Understand"!
OK, with Cochran and Schiavo down, who's an appropriate 3rd?
Joan Kennedy was recently hospitalized, so was Jerry Falwell.
Do not look at me like that. Comics-related themes are appropriate for this list, and Marvel has a character called Deadpool. The right to associate freely is guaranteed in the US Constitution.
Rich, I think "Feeding Tube" is a great name for a band. Perhaps you could cover "Spinal Tap" songs.
I'm just shocked that no one has pointed out that PAD's original couplet doesn't actually rhyme. ;)
I loved that Jokers Millions Caracature of JC...
The tag line was already mentioned but reading it made me laugh out loud.
I can't wait until that season of BTAS is on DVD.
Regards:
Warren S. Jones III
If the heart is calm, you must embalm.
Hey PAD, d'you know if the Hulk will be appearing in any of the other House of M tie-ins?
It's too early to tell yet, but it looks like the current death 3fer will be Cochran, Schiavo and the Pope.
The symmetry's at *least* as poetic as "if he doesn't breath, you must bequeath."
(Coming into this conversation a little late)
While Mr Cochran MAY have done some good work in his life, the freeing of OJ had permanently tainted his ability to work in the Los Angeles area (I know that if I had been called to Jury Duty [which I thankfully escaped from this week] and I had seen Mr. C as an attorney, it would have prevented me from being able to give his client the benefit of the doubt). Similarly, their participation has clouded Scheck and Neufeld's Innocence project.
And let us not forget (in the spirit of the remaining media circus), that Mr. C was the go-between who helped Michael Jackson buy off his previous accusers.
Finally, on the subject of the low-speed car chase (I was driving on the LA Freeways when it occurred), to this day I think Mel Brooks should have sued OJ for plagiarizing his Blazing Saddles "Don't move or the nigger gets it" routine.
Tom:
That's the satire Mel Brooks needs to make! A courtroom drama!
And coming in from nowhere to complete the trio ...
FRANK PERDUE !!!
Died today at either 84 or 94, depending on who you get your news from.
Okay, I wasn't going to say anything, but...if you are going to use the names of TV shows and actors, even if it is to make a lame joke (yes, I mean you, Anthony White) can't you at least open up your browser to IMDB.com? Look up the names of the shows and the actors and their characters and spell them right! I've made this mistake on occasion, but to do it more than three times in a row is just plain sloppy thinking.
Kind of like the guy who hosts this column, what's his name...Mogen David, I think...and the character he writes about...umm, the Sulk.
Mr. Brunner:
Thanks for completing the set.
What do Cochran, Schiavo and Perdue have in common?
Is it just that they each provoked much clucking in their time?
What do Cochran, Schiavo and Perdue have in common?
Feeding:
Cochran fed us the rhyme that inspired this column.
Schiavo needed to be fed.
Perdue fed us chicken.
/ one ticket to hell, window seat please
John C said "I'm just shocked that no one has pointed out that PAD's original couplet doesn't actually rhyme. ;)"
I didn't even notice that. LOL
JohnC posted
"I'm just shocked that no one has pointed out that PAD's original couplet doesn't actually rhyme. ;)"
Um, actually, it does (or, more accurately, can) rhyme. It's all a matter of how one speaks. Normally, a "th" at the end of a word has the "soft" form (as in "with" or "beneath") but "bequeath" can use the "hard" form (as in "these" or "them") which is more common in words ending in "-the" as in "breathe".
The pronunciation that PAD used for "bequeath" is a valid alternative in most American English dictionaries while it seems the primary choice in British English.