May 14, 2002

The TARDIS at Pooh Corner - Chapter 2

In Which Doctor Pooh and Jeannie Robin Encounter a Friend, a Foe, and The Genesis of the Heffalumps...

Doctor Pooh was right in the middle of a Very Good Dream--one that did not involve a stolen TARDIS, or an unwanted adventure, or any such thing--when the TARDIS landed with a loud thumping bump that bounced the Doctor several feet in the air. He pulled himself together and stood rubbing the sleep from his eyes with his paws as Jeannie Robin came over to him.

"Where do you think we are, Doctor?" whispered Jeannie.

"I think we are in the TARDIS," he replied.

"But where is the TARDIS, then?"

"Around us?"

Jeannie Robin made a distinct I'm-getting-annoyed sound and walked over to the door of the TARDIS. Doctor Pooh picked up his hat and put it on, wondered anxiously if it was near lunch time yet, and hurried after his companion.

They opened the TARDIS door and stepped out onto the landscape, and it was clearly not Gallifluff.

"This is clearly not Gallifluff," declared Jeannie Robin.

The Doctor could only nod in agreement. "Do you think that this is near Gallifluff?" he asked, hoping that he would shortly be returning to his home and his comfortable life.

Jeannie Robin didn't reply, but instead they started walking.

Where Gallifluff had been very, very fancy, with fancy buildings and fancy wallpapering, this planet was dry and flat. There were a few buildings here and there, but they were run down and old, and not at all a place that a little girl or her Time Lord bear would wish to live.

And it was very

very
very

quiet.

"I think," whispered Doctor Pooh, "that I have seen enough of this planet."

And Jeannie Robin, who somehow had found the entire idea of adventuring far more exciting when she was doing it in her bath tub, nodded in agreement. "I think you may be right. Let's be off, Doctor."

"NOT SO FAST."

Doctor Pooh turned and saw the absolute, beyond a doubt, no-two-ways biggest thing on two legs he had ever seen in his life. The Doctor himself only came up to the knee of one of its metal legs, and it kept going far beyond that knee of its metal leg.

It had a large metal stomach and large floppy metal ears, attached to a large metal head with a very long metal nose stuck straight out. It looked mean and nasty and, in short, not the sort of fellow Doctor Pooh was likely to invite to his next birthday party.

"Jeannie Robin," said Pooh nervously when nothing had been said for several moments. "Do you know what that is?"

"Of course," said Jeannie Robin, also nervously. "Don't you?"

"No. But as long as one of us does."

"I AM A HEFFALUMP," said the Heffalump.

"He says he's a Heffalump," said Jeannie Robin.

"I hardly think we should doubt his word," said Pooh.

The Heffalump started to move towards them, taking slow, Heffalump-ish steps, and Doctor Pooh and Jeannie Robin started to move back. Suddenly they clanged into another cold, large metal form, and turned to see a second Heffalump towering over them.

"EXACERBATE!" declared the first Heffalump.

"EXACERBATE!" declared the second Heffalump.

Pooh was about to suggest they discuss the entire matter over lunch, when it occurred to him that he did not know what Heffalumps might consider appropriate to eat, and since Time Lords might just be part of their diet, Doctor Pooh tried another course of action. He reached into his pocket and held out a small, rumpled bag.

"Gummy bear?" he offered. "They're quite good," he said. Not as good as honey candy, he thought privately, but he was not about to give away any of his supply of that treat.

The Heffalumps paused a moment, thinking it over, and then the first Heffalump spoke.

"WE ARE INSTRUCTED TO BRING YOU TO THE MASTER."

"Who?" asked Jeannie Robin politely.

"THE MASTER."

"Oh," said Jeannie Robin, who knew no more than she did before, but didn't want to let on. "I thought that was what you said."

The Doctor replaced the Gummy Bears in his coat with a sigh. It seemed, like it or not, that they were on an adventure after all.

The Heffalumps marched the two travellers--to be precise, the two travellers marched and the Heffalumps heffalumped--across the flat land of the planet until they came to a large walled city. It was a very high wall, so high that the Doctor leaned back as far as he could see how high it went, and succeeded only in tilting far enough back to fall flat on his backside. The Heffalump picked him up and carried him through the open gate into the city. The other Heffalump picked up Jeannie Robin and brought her inside as well.

They were brought into what seemed to be the main building, and for some reason it looked suspiciously like a tree. What made it look this way that the outside was round like a tree trunk, and the surface of the outside wall was wood like a trunk's wood, and it stretched up high and ended in branches at the top. Yes, it had all this, plus a family of woodpeckers living in it along with a number of very confused termites.

The reason that the termites were confused was because, when they had first come to this Tree-That-Was-Not-A-Tree, they had thought, for reasons previously outlined, that it was in fact a tree and they would have a meal to keep them occupied the rest of their lifetimes, however long that might be. But the tree's inside was, in fact, hollow, as the Doctor and Jeannie Robin discovered upon going through a door at the Tree's base. It was marvelously complex inside, with walls of machines and whizzing discs and flashing lights and other contrivances.

All of this did not impress the woodpeckers, and so we shall not discuss them further.

It did impress the two travellers, however, as they were placed down on the tiled floor. Jeannie Robin looked around and let out a low whistle, and Pooh, who was not much for whistling, let out a hum. And the hum was this:

Pooh's Nervous Heffalump Hum


Humma Hum Hum
Humma Hu Hu
Now that we've come
What will we do?
Here with the Heffalumps
I wonder if they're deafalumps?
If so they won't care
As I stand right here
(Which rhymes with care
If you say it right there)
And Humma Hum Hum---

And this went on for a time, until two new arrivals joined the time travellers in the big room.

The taller of the two, and he himself was only slightly taller that the Doctor, walked over to the Doctor and said to him, with a proud ruffle of feather, "I am the Master."

"Indeed?"

The Master took the Doctor's innocent reply as a challenge to his word, and with a frown he produced a small card which he handed the Doctor with a mock bow. The Doctor, concentrating, stared at the white business card. It looked exactly like this one:

WOL

The Doctor turned the card all ways around, and then asked, "What does it say?"

"What does it say?" he huffed. "Why, it says 'Master,' right there on it. Doesn't it, Piglet?"

"Yes, Mister Master," squeaked Piglet, who stood next to the Master and generally tried not to panic whenever he saw one of the towering Heffalumps. For Piglet was, in fact, the smallest creature the Doctor had ever seen.

"Quite a day," said Doctor Pooh. "I've seen the tallest and the smallest creatures I've ever seen in my whole life all on the same day. Jeannie Robin," he said, "does it say 'Master' on it?"

She looked it over and frowned and handed it back quickly. "Of course it does," she said carelessly.

"I said it did," said the Master, who retrieved the card and then, with a flap of his wings, flapped over to a large, fancy chair. Piglet scurried after him and stood at the leg of the chair, trembling slightly because one of the Heffalumps was looked at him in a way that seemed to say, "Oh, what I wouldn't give for a little snack of little Pig right now." Whether the Heffalump was in fact thinking this or even thinking at all for that matter, I couldn't say. But it is enough that Piglet felt that It Was So.

"So," said the Master importantly, "we must decide what to do with you."

"Why can't we leave?" said Doctor Pooh, not unreasonably.

"That wouldn't do," said the Master. "Not at all. You would tell everyone."

"Tell everyone what?"

"About the plan."

"Which plan?"

"You know which plan, bear."

"I do?"

"Yes, of course."

Trying not to become too lost, the Doctor said, "Does Jeannie Robin know, then?"

Jeannie Robin, not about to be outdone by the Doctor, said confidently, "Of course I know about it."

"The Plan," said the Master impatiently, "is that I and my army of Heffalumps will go out and take over the entire galaxy."

The Doctor was impressed. "Is that larger than a planet?"

"Much."

"But why should you want to do that?"

"Because it's the only project worthy of someone with my great knowledge."

"I see. Is there any way we can stop you?"

"I don't see how."

"In that case, perhaps we could just leave, then--"

For an answer, the Master turned and spoke into a microphone attached to the biggest, most impressive-looking bank of machinery and said, "Take them down to the cells until I decide what we shall do with them."

Several of the Heffalumps standing against the wall walked forward, scooping up Doctor Pooh and Jeannie Robin, and brought them down to a deep dank cell which was in a deep dank cellar at the end of a case of deep dank stairs.

Doctor Pooh sat in the middle of the cell, his head on his paws, and then he tapped himself on the side of the head to try and jostle about a helpful idea, but nothing was coming.

"You don't suppose," he asked cautiously, "that if we were very quiet, they would forget about us and the hinges would rust and we could leave?"

The blonde-haired girl smiled at him. "That would be quite a while, I should think. I would be very old by that time."

"Oh. How old would you be?"

She pondered it a moment. "At least eight."

Doctor Pooh was right in the middle of trying to figure out how old that would make him when there was a low creaking and the door to the cell swung open. The Doctor and Jeannie stood, and there, of all people, was Piglet in the open doorway.

"Piglet! Of all people!" exclaimed Pooh.

"Shhh!" shushed Piglet. "We must leave right this very minute."

"We?" said Jeannie suspiciously. "But aren't you helping the Master?"

He shook his little head. "Not any more. Not any more. Everything was fine until he found those... big things. Those giant whatchamawhozits. Now he just wants to run everything. Can you take me with you, please? Please? Please, pretty please?"

"Of course we will," said Jeannie kindly. "Won't we, Doctor?"

"Uhm... do you like Honey?"

Piglet made a face. "Not really. I like haycorns. Do I have to like honey? I will if I have to."

"No, no, not at all," said Pooh, both graciously and with a sigh of relief. "You're welcome, of course."

"Come. Let's get back to the TARDIS," said Jeannie Robin, and so saying, they tiptoed out the door.

(It is here that the really Exciting and Scary things happen to the Doctor and his friends. Some of you may want an older person to read the rest of the story to you for extra assurance. Either way, be certain that the Doctor and his companions will all be just fine; this is irrefutable since they are sitting next to the author even now, describing the adventure (although Piglet's part in it becomes larger with each and every retelling, so we'd best get on with the rest of it before we have to rewrite the beginning to read "Piglet was right in the middle of a Very Good Dream," and so forth.))

Piglet, being the more nervous, and also knowing his way about a bit better, was several feet ahead of them. He had just rounded a corner and was out of their sight for only an instant but in the next instant he had come scampering back around the corner, crying out "Help! Help! A Horrible Heffalump!"

And there indeed, lumbering after the hapless Piglet, was a Heffalump. Piglet dashed right past the Doctor and Jeannie, still crying out, "Help! Help, a Herrible Hoffalump! Hoff, Hoff, a Hellible Horralump! Holl, Holl, a Hoffable Hellerump!"

"EXACERBATE!"

"Run!" cried Jeannie Robin. Which she did.

"I'll follow!" said Pooh, and he did as well.

And hard on their Hapless Heels came the Horrible Heffalump, quickly joined by several more. The ground shook as they chased the trio. Then Terrible Rays started shooting out of their trunks, bouncing off walls and ceilings, and one singed a trailing end of Doctor Pooh's scarf.

"Bother," said Doctor Pooh, and he rounded a corner. There were three corridors ahead of him, each leading off a different way, and Jeannie Robin and Piglet were waiting for him.

"It's time to split up, Doctor," said Jeannie.

"But my seams are sown quite tightly," protested Doctor Pooh.

"I mean we must each take a different path and meet back at the TARDIS. Good luck, Doctor." She held out a hand, and the Doctor shook it resolutely.

"Silly Old Time Lord," she smiled, and then she and Piglet were gone. Doctor Pooh started down the remaining corridor.

It was Very Dark all about him, and he felt very small.

And not at all like an Adventurer.

Nevertheless, he made his slow way forward, and since he didn't hear sounds of pursuit, he decided that the Heffalumps were chasing his friends down the other two paths. For some reason this did not make him feel any better but, being a Time Lord of very little brain, he could not figure out why.

After Quite Some Time, he got to the end of the tunnel. There was a door there, and very quietly, he opened it.

The corridor was flooded with light. And there, waiting for him, was a Heffalump.

Doctor Pooh didn't move. The Heffalump didn't move.

Doctor Pooh took a cautious step forward. The Heffalump still didn't move.

Doctor Pooh walked curiously right up to the monster. It just stood there.

"If he's not moving now," reasoned the Doctor, "then he must not have any immediate plans to do so." He relaxed for a moment, and then became nervous once again when he realized where he was--right back in the control room of the Master. And there was the Master himself, at the far end of the room, his back to the Doctor. He was operating the controls and speaking softly into the microphone.

Not wanting at all to be discovered, Pooh turned to go out the way he had come in, but he couldn't, for the door had swung silently shut and locked him in.

Then something else caught his eye. There seemed to be some sort of hatch at the base of the Heffalump's foot (this was the tall, unmoving Heffalump, in case you had forgotten). Pooh went over to it and removed from his pocket his Sonic Honey Pot Opener. This was a simply marvelous device that un-screwed stuck-on lids of Honey Pots, something that no Time Lord should be without. Doctor Pooh aimed it and pressed a button, and the hatch popped open.

Going head first, Doctor Pooh managed to squeeze himself through, and found himself inside a maze of wheels and gears. But climbing it was no more difficult than climbing a tree, something that the Doctor had done numerous times before. So he started to climb, and as he climbed, he started to hum his favorite humming song for climbing. But his humming made all the metal around him vibrate, so he was forced to stop, and then the climbing was a boring chore and he was feeling a bit out of sorts when he got to the top.

The top turned out to be the inside of the Heffalump's head, and Doctor Pooh peeked out through the Heffalump's round eyes on the control room. The Master had not moved, which meant the Master had not heard him.

Good, thought the Doctor. He found himself a place to sit and began munching on Gummy Bears and playing with his yoyo while awaiting further developments.

It was not too long before matters did indeed develop further, for before too long there was a loud commotion and the Doctor looked out the Heffalump's eyes.

"Bother!" he declared, because Jeannie and Piglet were being brought before the Master by two Heffalumps.

"Where is the third one?" demanded the Master. "The one you call the Doctor? The one of Very Little Brain?"

"Well, I like that!" huffed Doctor Pooh.

"We won't tell you anything," said Jeannie Robin Defiantly.

"Yeah," squeaked Piglet, not-so-defiantly.

"Then I shall have to have my Heffalump question you," and one of the Heffalumps began to lumber forward. Piglet squealed and ran behind Jeannie's legs and peeked out. Jeannie Robin stood firm and said, "Nothing at all!"

"Oh dear!" said Pooh. "I must help them." And so saying he started to climb down, but he dropped his yoyo into a row of complicated-looking switches. The yoyo became thoroughly enmeshed and as he tried to pull it free, the Heffalump he was in lurched forward.

The Master looked over in surprise. "I did not tell you to move," he said in annoyance. "Go back to your place."

But the Heffalump had very little say in the matter and, in fact, Pooh didn't have much say either. For both yoyo and Time Lord were becoming hopelessly entangled in the interior workings of the robot, and the Heffalump started forward again, and this time he headed straight for the Master, picking up speed as he charged across the room.

Jeannie picked up Piglet and they dodged from its path.

The other Heffalumps just stood there as the Master tried to stop the robot from coming. But nothing could stop him, and with a squawk the Master barely had time to fly out of the Heffalump's way before the Bear-propelled monster rammed full-speed into the control panel. Sparks flew every which way, fuses blew, connections popped, and Piglet jumped up and down clapping his paws.

"Fireworks!" he said happily.

And it was indeed. From one wall to the next it spread until the whole room was bright with it. And one after another, chik-chik-chik, like dominoes, the Heffalumps fell forward with a crash and lay still. And the last one to slide to the floor was the one that had started it all.

Finally there was a dead silence.

The Master looked over the mess. "You realize, of course, that this inconveniences me terribly."

Then there was a metallic sound coming from the Heffalump that had run amuck. It was lying face down, and now from the back of its leg a little hatch had popped open, and from the little hatch poked a little head.

"Doctor!" exclaimed Jeannie joyously, and Piglet bounced up and down and squealed. The Master just looked on sourly, as if he had been eating something that did not quite agree with him.

Doctor Pooh started to pull himself through, but about midway out he stopped. "Oh bother."

"What's wrong, Doctor?"

"I think," he said softly, "I had a bit too much for lunch while I was inside here. Could somebody give me a hand?"


"You were fabulous, Doctor Pooh!" squealed Piglet as they headed towards the TARDIS, marching a triumphant sort of march. "The Master controlled all the Heffalumps from that control panel, and when you destroyed it, well--it was just wonderful, simply wonderful, Doctor Pooh--" and this was how he had been going on for some time.

Pooh glanced at Piglet and then at Jeannie Robin in an "Do-we-absolutely-have-to bring-him-along" sort of way, and Jeannie Robin nodded firmly, so he sighed.

They went into the TARDIS and Piglet looked around excitedly. "Oooooh," he oooohed. "It's so much bigger on the inside than on the outside. Why is that, Doctor Pooh? Can you tell me, please?"

Not wanted to disappoint his small admirer, Pooh thought very hard for a moment and then said, "I had heard it explained something like this. You are very small, Piglet," and Piglet nodded. "And you hand is very small as well. Much smaller than, say, the sun."

"The sun," Piglet said obediently.

Pooh blinked for a moment, and then said, "No Piglet, I didn't mean that you should say 'the sun.' I mean, 'that is to say,' or 'for example.' That sort of thing."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor Pooh."

"No problem, my dear Piglet. Now--the sun is much bigger than your paw. and yet, if you put your paw directly between your eyes and the sun, you seem to be holding the entire, much larger sun your small paw. It's the same sort of thing here."

"Oooooh," said Piglet again, only this time it was an "ooooh" with understanding. "I see now, I think. Thank you, Doctor Pooh. Do you have any questions I could help you with?"

Doctor Pooh thought for a moment, again. "In fact, there is. That word the Heffalumps kept saying--ekserbate--what was that?"

"Oh," said Piglet happily. "That was the most important-sounding word the Master knew, so he had all of the Heffalumps say it so that everyone would know how clever he was to know such an important word."

"Yes, but... what did it mean?"

Piglet shrugged his little shoulders. "I don't know, Doctor. I'm sorry." He seemed on the verge of tears.

"That's all right, Piglet," said the Doctor, and Piglet brightened. "But whatever it meant," said the Doctor as he pulled the door shut behind them, "I hope I never have to hear it again. It was very annoying. Is it five minutes to eleven yet?"

Posted by Peter David at May 14, 2002 12:27 AM | TrackBack | Other blogs commenting
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