May 20, 2002

The TARDIS at Pooh Corner - Chapter 5

In Which The TARDIS comes to Pooh Corner and Doctor Pooh finds a job...

No one ever knew quite where the TARDIS was going to land them next, so it was with a certain amount of hesitation that Doctor Pooh poked his head out the door to see their new surroundings.

They had landed inside what appeared to be a large, busy sort of room--the sort of room where, even when nobody is there, it appears as if a great deal of Something is going on. There were all sorts of scientific bits here and there, with test tubes and chemicals and microscopes. As Jeannie Robin and Piglet emerged from the TARDIS (the rest of their friends had gone back to their homes, not really being that interested in adventuring (except for Roo, who only received a frustrating "Maybe later, dear" from his mother)), Pooh began to look around at all the things. His nose crinkled up and he gave off a loud Sneeze.

"Look at all the dust, Doctor," said Jeannie. "No one has been in here for some time. I wonder where we are?"

Suddenly they heard the sounds of running feet and before they even had the time to move from their spot, several soldiers carrying menacing-looking rifles had come dashing into the previously empty laboratory. They all stood and aimed their rifles at the three travelers.

Considering how uncrowded it was here before," said Jeannie Robin, "it's a surprise how crowded it got so quickly."

Finally the commander of the soldiers came in. There was a small moustache on his upper lip, and his expression looked quite Fierce.

He scratched his nose and said, "What's all this, Sergeant Benton?"

The soldier he had addressed pointed a stubby finger and said, "We got an intruder alert, sir, so I brought some of the fellows and we found this lot here."

The commander looked at the three travelers with a hard stare, and Pooh was just thinking of all the places he would rather be, and coming up with a rather extensive list at that, when suddenly the commander's eyes became big and round when they lit on the blue box over in the corner.

"It's the TARDIS!" he declared.

Doctor Pooh, for whom this was hardly news, said simply, "Yes."

"But then," stammered the commander, "where is the Doctor?"

"Right here," squeaked Piglet, pointing at Doctor Pooh.

"You? You're the Doctor?"

Now the Doctor had checked that very morning and he had still been the Doctor as of that time, but something might have happened in between, so he glanced at a looking glass on the wall and saw that he was indeed the Doctor, and he told the commander as much.

"But... don't you know me, Doctor? I'm the Brigadier."

Pooh looked at him blankly.

"This is U.N.I.T. Headquarters. You used to be our science advisor."

Pooh, tired of looking at him blankly, looked blankly at a blank wall, which was almost as interesting. He busied himself making shadow pictures on it as the Brigadier went on telling him all sorts of things that he was supposed to know only didn't.

Finally Benton tapped the Brigadier on the shoulder and said, "Sir? Perhaps he regenerated since we last saw him. You remember how he was the last time he did that."

The Brigadier looked the Doctor over. "Regenerated, eh? He is considerably shorter than when we last saw him. And his coloring is off a might."

"Perhaps he contracted a touch of jaundice this goabout."

The Brigadier looked back at the small group. "His companions seem an odd lot, though. A little human girl and a small pink fellow." He walked over to the Doctor and looked down at him. "How do I know you're the Doctor?"

Pooh gave it some thought and then asked, "How do I know you're the Brigadier?"

He bristled. "Because I said so."

"Well then," said Doctor Pooh reasonably, "I have said so, too. I'll believe you if you believe me." And he went back to making hand shadow pictures on the wall, which was really quite limiting for someone who had no fingers.

"But I'm afraid that's not good enough," said the Brigadier.

"Oh, really," huffed Jeannie Robin. "I don't see why we should have to prove anything to you."

"Because if you don't, then I will have you arrested and put in prison for trespassing on a government installation."

Now this was upsetting to Pooh, partly because he had had quite enough of being thrown into prisons, but mostly because he wasn't sure what some of the words the Brigadier used had meant, although he recognized one of them as sounding like the first name of Piglet's famed relation, Trespassers William. He was also eager to avoid trouble, almost as eager to avoid it as he was to avoid missing a meal, and so he said, "Is there something we could do to prove it?"

The Brigadier chewed his upper lip and then said, "Yes. Yes, there is, come to think of it. Come with me to my office." He walked off with short, quick strides and Doctor Pooh stumped off after him, with the rest of his companions following behind.

They didn't get to follow behind for long, though, because when they got to the Brigadier's office, the officer permitted the Doctor in, which was only sensible since it was he with whom he wished to talk, but refused to allow Jeannie or Piglet in with them. Jeannie was quite properly miffed about this, and Piglet thought that if he were a bit larger he would be miffed too, but since he was so small there was a chance that the Brigadier simply hadn't seen him. If that were the case, then no insult would have occurred and so Piglet was willing to let it go at that, because he was That Kind of Piglet.

Jeannie Robin leaned impatiently against the door, tapping her foot against it and listening very carefully to see if she could pick out any of what was being said within. Piglet, meantime, was busy seeing if he could jump so high that his shadow would dwindle down to nothing, and he was just wondering if perhaps it was something in the air, or perhaps not, when the door opened and Doctor Pooh came out looking more than a little puzzled.

"Well, Doctor?" asked Jeannie.

"Fine, thank you," he replied.

She stomped her foot in that impatient manner she had and said, "No, no. Not 'are you well, Doctor'? I meant, Well, what did he say?"

"Oh." He sat and thought about it a moment. "Well," he said, "he said that he had a... mission for me."

"Is that like a present?" asked Piglet.

"No, from what he said it sounds more like an adventure," he sighed.

Piglet made a face but Jeannie perked up quite visibly. "Really? What would it be?"

"He said that, in a country far away from here, a group of... studunts... is that a word?"

"Yes," said Jeannie quickly. "That's like a schoolboy."

"Oh. A group of studunts had captured a group of fifty-two American" he considered the word as best he could "ostriches."

Jeannie mulled it over. "Fifty-two American ostriches?"

"What's an American?" asked Piglet. "What's an ostrich?"

"I don't know," said Pooh. "But whatever they are, these studunts have fifty-two of them. And the Brigadier wants them back."

"Are they his fifty-two American ostriches?" asked Piglet.

"No. They're the American's fifty-two American ostriches."

"What's an American?" asked Piglet again.

"Someone who has an ostrich, I suppose," said Pooh. "The Brigadier is going to come back with us to the lab and tell us where they are being kept. They're at something called an Embersy in another country."

"Hmm," said Jeannie Robin. "If they're studunts, they should be in school. Not holding on to ostriches."

They all went back to the laboratory, where the Brigadier was waiting for them. As he described to Jeannie where the Embersy was, Pooh practiced writing his name in the dust on the wall nearby the TARDIS.

Finally Jeannie had enough of an idea to guide the TARDIS, although it seemed to her that the TARDIS frequently had a fairly clear idea of where it was heading and all she did was turn it on and off. "Would you like to come along, Brigadier?" she asked.

The Brigadier, who had absolutely nothing else to do, said "I'm sorry. I'm much too busy." The fact was that he did not wish to set foot in the TARDIS, and so set about finding someplace else to set his feet as the TARDIS, with its three passengers, vanished from the corner of the room.

Moments later, or perhaps moments sooner, since it really doesn't matter, the TARDIS materialized inside the student-held Embersy. Pooh, Piglet and Jeannie emerged, and it was so dark that for a moment they considered calling Eeyore to guide them, since he was so accustomed to dark surroundings. Eeyore, however, would undoubtedly talk for quite some time about this and that, and both this and that would be equally depressing, and somehow it just didn't seem worth it. So they went ahead in the darkness and risked stubbed toes.

They opened door after door without finding anything, and then they found one door that was locked. They heard a great deal of noise behind it, so Pooh removed his Sonic Honey Pot Opener, aimed it at the door lock and pressed a button. The door sprang open and there, looking up in surprise at their rescuers, were the fifty-two American ostriches.

All of a sudden there was a loud alarm and Piglet clapped his paws over his ears with an "oooh" sound.

"I think," said Pooh, "that it would be a good thing to leave right now."

"I agree," said Jeannie. "Come on, ostriches! You're being rescued. Head for the TARDIS."

And then Pooh, Jeannie and Piglet could do nothing but get out of their way as the fifty-two ostriches stampeded out of the room. Their long, featherless legs carried them quickly across the Embersy, and from their long thin necks issued squawking sounds. One or two tried to bury their heads in the sand, but there was no sand, only floor, and all they got was a nasty crack on the skull, so they kept running.

"Those are the funniest looking birds I've ever seen," said Jeannie Robin.

"I'm not sure why the Americans would want them back," said the Doctor thoughtfully. "Maybe they don't have enough funny-looking birds."

Suddenly there was a rifle shot over their heads, and they turned to see the students, dressed in various odd bits of clothing, running after them and yelling. Doctor Pooh began to run, and Jeannie scooped up Piglet and began to run also. Ahead of them they saw the last of the ostriches dash into the TARDIS and moments later they had followed them in and closed the door. Bullets bounced off the TARDIS's doors.

Inside there were ostriches everywhere. All the squawking was so loud that the three time travelers had trouble speaking to each other, or even shouting, although they could wave and pretend they were singing "Happy Birthday to You" and getting the gist of the song across. Jeannie brushed some tail feathers off of the controls, readjusted them quickly, and within moments the TARDIS was zipping back to the U.N.I.T. headquarters, where it rematerialized even before the Brigadier had completely set foot outside the door.

The TARDIS door swung open but nobody emerged, and the Brig took a cautious step forward. "I say," he began, but got no further as the newly-freed fifty-two American ostriches stormed out of the TARDIS, trampling the Brigadier to the floor, knocking over the furniture, and generally making a mess of things. "This won't do!" the Brigadier managed to shout, but by then the last of the ostriches had run over him and out the door.

Pooh stepped out of the TARDIS. "Well, Brigadier?" asked Jeannie Robin, leaning out of the time machine.

The Brig looked at them tiredly. "Welcome back, Doctor," he said.

* * *

Sergeant Benton sat across from the Brigadier, watching him put some bandages on his cuts.

"Have the Americans been contacted?" asked the Brig.

"Certainly, sir," said Benton. "The people from the American zoo will be here by tomorrow to pick up those fifty-two ostriches. We have then all rounded up and in a pen, sir," he said, anticipating the Brigadier's next question.

The Brig nodded. "Good." He touched a sore spot on his round head. "I have no idea why those students made off with those silly birds anyway."

"Look at the bright side, Brigadier," said Benton cheerfully. "At least we have the Doctor back. And he said that he would stay on as our science advisor."

"Yes, that's true. I'll tell you, Benton, things were looking pretty bleak around here without a Doctor."

"...er, sir, I can't seem to recall even ever having had a Doctor before now. Seems we've been waiting for him to come back all this time."

The Brigadier scratched his snout. "I think you're right, Benton," he said to the beefy Hoka. "In fact, if the Doctor hadn't happened along, we might have decided to disband U.N.I.T. altogether. But now, as it is, we shall be the first line of defense against any alien invasion of this planet." He sat there and ruminated about it, and then realized that Benton was still there. "That's all, Benton." They saluted each other and looked for all the world like teddy bears on parade. Benton marched out, and the Brigadier removed a small cannister from his desk drawer. He turned to a mirror hanging on the wall, smoothed down his brown, gleaming fur, and then opened the cannister, took a small amount of black shoe polish on his finger, and began to touch up his moustache.

* * *

The Doctor and Jeannie Robin walked slowly across the broad land that surrounded U.N.I.T. headquarters. They were quiet for a time, and then Pooh said, "Pooh Corner."

"What, Doctor?"

"I think that that is what we should call the corner of the room where the TARDIS is. Pooh Corner."

"I think that that is an excellent name," said Jeannie Robin.

"I thought so," said Pooh modestly.

They continued to walk for a time.

"Are you happy, Doctor?"

Pooh thought it over. "I believe so."

"Are you as happy as you would be if you were sitting in your home on Gallifluff, eating honey and not doing anything except wondering when eleven o'clock was near?"

"That's a different question," said Pooh.

"I know. But are you?"

"Are I what?"

"Happy!"

"Oh." He thought again. "I like being with you, Jeannie Robin."

"Thank you, Pooh."

"It's almost as good as sitting at home on Gallifluff eating honey and waiting for eleven o'clock to come about."

This was not quite so pleasing an answer. "I feel bad about dragging you away from all that, Doctor," she confessed.

"Oh, you shouldn't be, Jeannie Robin," said the Doctor. "There are some things more important than honey, although I can't think of any right off the tip of my head, but that may be because I am a Time Lord of Very Little Brain."

"Oh no. I think you are very smart, Doctor," she said earnestly.

That surprised him. "Really? A lot of brain, you think?"

She considered it. "No. Not a lot. But more than very little," she said quickly.

"Well... that is enough for me," he said. And then, "Jeannie? Do you think we shall ever return to Gallifluff?"

"Does it matter?"

"Not to me," said Pooh, somewhat surprised at his own answer. "No. Not really."

Jeannie Robin took Doctor Pooh by the paw. "Doctor... I'm glad you're my friend."

"I'm glad you're my friend too, Jeannie Robin."

She stood up and eyed him. "Doctor?"

"Yes, Jeannie Robin?"

"...Nothing. Let's go."

"Go where? Another adventure?"

"No. Let's go do Nothing."

"All right."

And so they did.

Posted by Peter David at May 20, 2002 12:27 AM | TrackBack | Other blogs commenting
Comments
Posted by: chuck elam at June 4, 2002 05:14 PM

Oh, what to say first? Think, think, think. Most enjoyable reading. Thanks, thanks, thanks. I went looking for Chapters 1-4 but alas not to be found. Must dash, the Dalekalumps are coming.