No way. Here's far preferable ways to handle it:
1) Bush and Saddam each have to write six issues of a comic book, and whichever one outsells the other is declared the winner.
2) A footrace around the world.
3) Dunk tanks.
4) They go head to head on "Wheel of Fortune." Substitute the "Bankrupt" slot with a "Disarm" slot.
5) Do a debate, but instead of sending in Bush, Saddam has to debate Martin Sheen.
6) Screw this inspection crap and just send in Batman.
PAD
Posted by Peter David at February 25, 2003 09:17 AM | TrackBack | Other blogs commentingHave them appear on "I'm a celebrity... Get me out of here II."
Or perhaps Fear Factor. Making them both explain, with a straight face, why we need to go to war.
How about fighting with those huge ear cleaners like gladiators. or possible a game of papper, scissors, stone.
best 2 out of 3
Bush, Saddam, and Corey Feldman: The Surreal Life II!
Batman would pin his ears back until Saddam abdicates and then he'd take away all of Saddam's evil toys.
And then he'd stuff 'im in a duffle bag, jam him in Bruce Wayne's overhead compartment and then leave him on the balcony of the White House.
Well, he may do the first one. He doesn't have the phobia of causing international incidents that some Leagers have.
Wouldn't Mr. Phelps be more useful than Batman? By the time Phelps was done, Saddam would be shot by his own guards -- probably while wearing Bush's face...
My God, i donīt wanna to even think the day that busch discovers Latveria. Poor Doom.
Bush, Saddam, and Corey Feldman: The Surreal Life II!
Fascinating idea!! Would Gabrielle end up mommy-ing Bush? Could Saddam find a nice guy for Brandi? What would they do for the Talent Contest? Is Corey stockpiling chemical weapons of mass destruction?
I like the Batman idea. He'd just pop out of nowhere, say a few words to Saddam and vanish. Of course he may have to urt him a little if he's stubborn, but I can live with that. The next day Saddam would be begging to disarm. Bats is good like that. :)
Yeah, but if Batman went after Saddam he'd break out of Arkham and have a new scheme every other month. Sort of a lateral move, in other words...
I always thought it would be cool if we elected world leaders based on their fighting ability, not just political bs. Of course, intelligence matters too, but I was thinking it would be great if everytime we had some major issue with another country, instead of the world leader, sitting in his cushy chair in his office telling his secretaries and staff to send people he never has nor never has to see to die, he meets up with the other world leader and dukes it out in an octagon-shaped ring. It'd be a great way to solve disputes, I think I'd have more respect for whoever's in office, and I'd think we'd have far fewer "wars" if the people in charge of saying we're going to war were the ones putting their lives on the line.
Just a hairbrained idea.
squidpops.
Re: The Batman idea.
Yeah, let's get the Joker together with Saddam. Twins split at birth. Arkham would never be the same.
No, no no...you're all missing the obvious solution.
New weapons inspectors: Martha Stewart, Michael Jackson, Larry King, and Marilyn Manson.
And just when the Iraqis are sick of weird Americans wandering around, let them know that we've got plenty more where that came from.
How about an ol' fashion arm wrestling contest? G.W.B. is a Texan... he could take him. Two out of three, best dictator wins. At best it's a flimsy premise for another "Over the Top" movie.
At least Batman would have had the good sense to have ignored the UN by now
No, no, do "Saddam Millionaire", where 20 weapons inspectors compete in rounds to find first nuclear, then chemical, and finally biological weapons. At the end Saddam offers the last inspector a $50 million bribe...but the twist is that due to Iraq's balance of payments, the check bounces.
After that, do the "Jung Millionaire" sequel.
Why not just have them do the duel from the Star Trek Episode "Amok Time?" :)
Because then Laura would just marry her secret, TRUE love, Colin Powell.
The "leaders fight rather than sending people to go to war" sounds good in theory, but I don't know if it would work in practice. After all, FDR was in a wheel chair, so Hitler could have kicked his ass. Then again, I think Churchill would have fought dirty, and simply kicked Hitler in the nuts in the first round.
LBJ could probably have taken Ho Chi Minh (he was in his late 70s and was in poor health), but I don't know if Reagan could have taken Qadafi by himself. He probably would have lost, then told an annecdote where he not only won but scored the winning touchdown.
I think that the best way to get rid of Saddam is to call our good friends in Israel and tell them the gloves are off. The Mossad would deliver Saddam and bin Laden's head in a duffel bag by the next morning. You do not screw with the Mossad.
Ben Hunt
Why not just have them do the duel from the Star Trek Episode "Amok Time?"
And they should also sing the music while they fight like Jim Carrey in "Cable Guy."
For those who wanted to see such a debate, the Guardian's got a transcript of how it could have gone: http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,902794,00.html
Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the world.
Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan.
No, no, no...
The newest Fox reality distraction: Married by America!
Force Bush & Saddam to get married to each other, then watch the hijinks as they try to work out their "Odd Couple" differences.
I can see it now: "One's an evil dictator, the other's from Iraq!" (that one's for you Democrats out there)
or, how about: "One can't speak English, the other's from Iraq!" (gee, i can see why everyone likes taking shots at GW. It's so easy!)
Can two world leaders find love & happiness without driving each other crazy...?
Re: A mano-a-mano solution to the current Saddam sitch...
( I realize the following just doesn't have the same impact without Tina Turner screeching the words...)
"WELCOME TO THUNDERDOME!!"
Two men enter. One man leave.
Hooper
Bats wouldn't bother with Saddam, I don't think. Not really his style.
As long as we're talking pseudo-reality here, though, the JLA would have gone in there and kicked ass by now; or, possibly and god forbid, the Authority (who probably would have leveled everything from the Med to the IO for good measure, but who's counting?).
If we're sending ONE guy in, give me Vic Sage...
JLK
I just had another thought.
Forget everything everyone's said so far - send the new StormWatch to Iraq. Those guys are SERIOUS badasses...
JLK
Just slightly off-topic....
With the U.N. being an integral part of damned near every major news story in recent months, it's funny what initially comes to my mind when I hear it mentioned.
Not the trip I took to it during a New York layover when I was 17 years old.
Not the Animaniacs song 'U.N. Me' ( sung to the tune of 'Down By The Riverside' ).
Not Herbert Lom's mad Chief Inspector Dreyfuss making the building disappear in 'The Pink Panther Strikes Again'.
Not a throw-away line in Mad Magazine's '2001...' parody where a character guessed that the monolith was "the box the U.N. building came in".
No, the first mental image I get is a splash panel from an old Captain Marvel story ( reprinted by DC, natch, in the '70s ) wherein King Kull, The Beastman, looms over the U.N., swinging an equally giant protest sign and snarling: "Grr-rr-rr! Down with the U.N.!", as a 'normal-sized' Cap flies to confront him!
As an Aaron Sorkin character would put it: "I'm just sayin'".
Hooper
1) NO! let's not have them write comic books... we all know it'll only result in something similar to the asstastic Marville!
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6) Batman would kick his butt but could we send Lobo instead? I mean, at least we'd be sure that he would frag Hussein.
How about Sending Powell, Bush, Saddam and that dude from North Korea (It seems that I catn't remember his name, even though my asian name it slitghly complicated as his) to season of
1) Road Rules. Send them to Sarajevo, Kenia, and a few other places.
2) Making the Band 3. Try to make them sing and act as a Band, and deal with screaming teenage girls.....
Nah.....
Johny
>> Road Rules.<<
A-henh.
`Just the thought of Saddam, in his suit and tie, as one of the self-consciously on-camera, attention-greedy poseurs on an MTV "reality" show.
"Dude. Stop hatin'."
Hooper
>>If we're sending ONE guy in, give me Vic Sage...<<
Yeah, but first...he'd have to pay a visit to the fabulous Sheryl Crow, as she's wearing her 'War Is Not The Answer' (mercy, mercy me) t-shirt.
"Mebbe. But I'm The....aah, you know!".
Hooper
Prozac.
Lots and lots of Prozac.
Side note for Christopher:
Not all Democrats would so label Bush.
Not all Republicans would deny the label.
And many folks are neither avowed Republicans or Democrats.
Party affiliation (if any) and blind allegiance (also if any) or knee-jerk opposition (again, if any) need not go hand in hand.
I just had a mental image of a Pepsi Twist commercial where Saddam Hussein unzips the front of his face and is revealed to be John Davidson...
PAD
"Batman knocked out Saddam with 1 punch and I MISSED IT!" - Black Canary
Bush and Saddam each have to write six issues of a comic book, and whichever one outsells the other is declared the winner.
Saddam is a best-selling romance novelist.
Bush has written an autobiography.
No contest.
Dunk tanks.
Saddam already uses those with opponents... but they're filled with acid.
How about a softball game? Loser has to disarm.
If I had my druthers, world leaders would be chosen by talent, swimsuit, and evening gown competition.
I say we just erase Iraq from the map and pretend it doesn't exist.
That's the way we treat most of our problems isn't it?
Now, I take it Aaron Sorkin will be writing the material for Martin Sheen's part of the debate? If so...let's go with #5.
If it's not Sorkin, however...Batman, all the way.
Unless, y'know, it's the Back to the Batcave Batman. ;-)
Hmmm....won't the Hellmouth in Sunnydale need a new guardian after May??
They should go at it with "Yo Mama" jokes.
Bush: Sadaam, you're mother is so fat people call her "The Mother of All Cattle." He he.
Sadaam: That may be, but your mother is so ugly her make-up arrives in cement mixing truck.
Bush: Oh, yeah? Well at least my momma knows who my daddy is.
Sadaam: And that's why he asked me to kill him. Ha ha ha!
"Not all Democrats would so label Bush.
Not all Republicans would deny the label."--skring
As a Republican who, so far, mostly agrees with the President (not completely; there are several points I wish he would re-think. BID...), I'd say you're correct.
I'm just pointing out that, no mater what your politics are, Dubya's behavior can often be a great source of comedy.
I just hope tragedy doesn't come from the same place...
I'd have suggested another "all new and special" South Park episode..
But hey, been there done that... several times.
Though a George and Saddam debate episode in SOuth Park could be hmmm.... funny.....
Johny
6) Screw this inspection crap and just send in Batman.
Indeed! And there's some more super ideas too: send in Wonder Woman to deal with them, plus Batgirl and a lot of other DC babes as well! Let them raid the other Arab/Islamic dictatorships too and show anyone there who's a fanatic/fundamentalist that girls can't be beaten by them! Bring 'em to their knees!
Batman? Nah.
Unless you mean, send in Batman to the White House...
How about we send in Superman and he spins Saddam around until he passes out and abdicates?
Seriously, though, PAD, could you write a brief entry on Mac Calhoun dealing with Saddam? I think everyone here would get a kick out of that.
Chris
I thought of another one, Why not have the Pokemon Jigglypuff give a concert and then while every Iraqi is asleep, The U.S. Special forces move Saddam and his henchmen to a place in exile.
P.S. They wake up with marker-face :)
Can't be Sheen. If Sorkin were writing it he'd just dumb it down to the point where I'd be too angry to really enjoy it.
Now, if Toby (the actor's name escapes me) were to do it - that would be worth watching :)
The JLA would never get involved they are mainly a reactionary force and there has been nothing for them to react to in the last 11 years except the US and the UK dropping bombs on a country that has NEVER done anything to them.
They would take Bush and Blair aside and bitch slap them telling them to "stop being so focused on oil" and think about the impact they are going to have on innocent lives (since in the last war 28% of people killed by United States weopons were friendly forces)
The JLA would not stand for the way Bush is trying to save his own political ass. He knows if he withdraws he becomes a villian because of all the money that could be used to educate, house, put books in libraries. If he fights the other eurpoean powers will turn against him.
Has anyone else noticed how the Euro currencry is now worth more than the American Dollar... is Pax America over?
Batman? Hell, send in Nick Fury. If that doesn't work, send in Rorschach(sp?). He'll find out if they have WOMD. Guaranteed.
Trap them in an interdimentional doorway, fighting forever. Thus keeping the universe safe from both of them. (Apologies to the author of "The Alternative Factor).
"Set phasers on 'disarm,'" ordered Calhoun. One sustained burst from the Excalibur later, the job was done.
PAD
Since there is all this talk of Batman taking on Saddam, and conversely someone taking on Dubya, a question kind of hit me.
I know that in the latest run Captain America there was lots of talk about Cap asking "the tough questions" but I never saw him go to the White House and ask the president what he was doing to our civil liberties...so I was wondering, does anyone know if any comic character has done that?
I ask because civil liberties are a big issue with me, but out of respect to PAD I won't rant or mention the crap that I could.
Col
Today at work someone accidentally said "Saddam Hussein" when he meant to say "Osama bin Laden", really.
"Score one for the American propaganda machine!" I said.
"Seriously, though, PAD, could you write a brief entry on Mac Calhoun dealing with Saddam?"
That's one possibility. I'd rather see Cmdr Quintin Stone handle the situation. If nothing else he would be ... creative about it. ;-)
Thanks, PAD--you made my day while I'm cramming for midterms. That really would be the most efficient way to deal with the situation, and less chance of political repercuissions too.
Chris