December 18, 2003

WHAT SAURON'S BEEN UP TO

After watching "Return of the King" (more thoughts upon which I'll write up tomorrow) I was suddenly hit with a realization.

Sauron is alive and well and is the secret mastermind behind CBS television.

You doubt me? You think that's ridiculous? Ah, but consider:

The CBS symbol--A giant, unblinking eye, focused on the hearts and minds of America.

CBS Headquarters--a gigantic, ebony tower, oftentimes referred to as Black Rock.

The initials--CBS=Created By Sauron.

Both have major spokesmen with three syllable names ending with "man" (Saruman=Letterman)

Coincidence? I think not.

PAD

Posted by Peter David at December 18, 2003 11:43 PM | TrackBack | Other blogs commenting
Comments
Posted by: Tom Galloway at December 18, 2003 11:48 PM

Enemy of Sauron = Legolas, as played by Orlando Bloom. Enemy of CBS = ABC, which is owned by Disney and has a theme park in Orlando.

Posted by: Jay at December 19, 2003 12:25 AM

CBS's largest demographic is the elderly. Aging causes wizened, smaller frames and raspier voices, and the older folks can tend to obsess about their shows. Just think of Grandpa Simpson screaming about him Matlock, which aired on.....CBS?

It's so clear now. They want us all to become enslaved to their Precious.

Posted by: elf at December 19, 2003 01:02 AM

OK, I know the rules are not to comment on the nightly thoughts, but there was a comedian several years ago in the pre-cellphone era, maybe George Carlin or perhaps Jerry Seinfeld, who recommended that the crazed loners who talk to themselves be paired off so at least it would seem as if they each had someone to speak to...

Posted by: Soon at December 19, 2003 02:00 AM

I don't think this was a Nightly Thought. On the others there'd be a link, but no comment box.

Posted by: BARON at December 19, 2003 04:08 AM

and they both cancelled "The Flash"....no wait, only Sauron did that.

Posted by: Brian Smith at December 19, 2003 04:12 AM

Sean Astin, as Samwise Gamgee, is battling the monsters of Sauron. John Astin, as Gomez Addams, battled "The Munsters" of CBS.

This also helps prove the whole "ABC is the mortal enemy of CBS" thing, too.

Posted by: Kev Keefe at December 19, 2003 05:23 AM

funny, i thought CBS meant Complete BullS#!+

Posted by: Pete at December 19, 2003 06:08 AM

Don't be absurd. Clearly, Sauron has gotten work as the logo for the new Catwoman movie.

Posted by: Luigi Novi at December 19, 2003 06:59 AM

Does this make Les Moonves the equivalent of Sauruman?

Is Rupert Boneham a tall version of Gimli? Is that why he was voted off?

Posted by: Luke at December 19, 2003 07:40 AM

I can't help pointing out - the people with the hands free headsets look like crazy people, so I don't think it would much help the reality-challenged.

Posted by: Bill Mulligan at December 19, 2003 07:45 AM

I'm pretty sure it was the brilliant Lily Tomlin (or her partner, who I believe is named Jane Wagner) who first suggested making people who talk to themselves walk together.

Posted by: Patrick Gaffney at December 19, 2003 08:52 AM

Have any of you seen this yet?

http://omwh.gloria-mundi.net/index.html

Posted by: Brandy at December 19, 2003 11:38 AM

I'm on board with ABC being the enemy of evil. I'm sitting in the main ABC building right now.... and it is a white building, kinda like Minas Tirith.

ESPN: fighting the forces of evil for 25 years. I'll pass it along to the folks in marketing

Posted by: Rainbow Warrior at December 19, 2003 11:43 AM

CBS mainstreamed Survivor.

Posted by: Rainbow Warrior at December 19, 2003 11:45 AM

I meant CBS mainstreamed reality shows which are evil. Yeah I know they are good source for villian material but I wish it would end.

Posted by: Robert Jung at December 19, 2003 11:45 AM

How does The Reagans fit into this theory?

Posted by: DF2506 at December 19, 2003 01:21 PM

Well..despite CBS creating the evil Survivor and mainstreaming reality shows *shivers*...I think that CBS is a good network. I think I watch CBS the most of any network why? Because I think: Joan of Arcadia, CSI, Without A Trace, and Cold Case are all GREAT series. CBS is done right there. Now if only they would get rid of Survivor...

DF2506

" Thinks its more likely that FOX is Sauron. I mean...how many great series have they canceled?! *sigh*."

Posted by: RaLoren at December 19, 2003 01:25 PM

nah, fox is gollum...

Ra!

Posted by: Etoad75 at December 19, 2003 02:38 PM

Patrick,

Thanks for the Once More With Hobbits link, it really brightened my day. Now, if we could just convince a certain writer to post his "Bye Bye Buffy" script . . .

Posted by: rambunctious at December 19, 2003 03:09 PM

Yes, and Tupac backwards sounds like kaput! (Tupac Shakur, "ruckus kaput!")

Posted by: hob at December 19, 2003 04:48 PM

Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts tried the whole goofy theme you've had here lately. Only deep thoughts were funny. Your a good wirter but I don't know how you became famous for your humor.

Posted by: Patrick Gaffney at December 19, 2003 05:46 PM

Etoad,

Glad you liked the Once More With Hobbits. I saw it this morning and it slayed me (pun intended).

Posted by: Peter David at December 19, 2003 09:04 PM

Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts tried the whole goofy theme you've had here lately. Only deep thoughts were funny. Your a good wirter but I don't know how you became famous for your humor.

Via contrast. See, I alternate humor with saying things that are brutally candid, such as "Screw you, dipstick, if you don't like it, go elsewhere." That sort of thing.

Plus I know the difference between "you're" and "your."

Can anyone tell I'm on a short fuse tonight?

PAD

Posted by: Thomas E. Reed at December 20, 2003 01:48 AM

All right. I didn't want to comment on the "muttering to themselves" bit, but after three others did...Steve Gerber, that wonderful but terminally depressed writer, whose suicide I expect to hear of any day now, was once the editor of Marvel's short-lived "Crazy" magazine, their version of "Mad."

In one commentary, he wrote that the drug addicts on urban street corners should be put into Lincoln suits, trained to recite the Gettysburg Address, and save the general public the cost of a trip to Disney World. He concluded the piece by saying "...and the street people would have a career - the only career drugs can prepare you for, life as an artificial human being."

Posted by: Jen Segrest at December 20, 2003 09:53 AM

So does that make my liking CSI finger me as a minion of evil?

Posted by: Avi Green at December 20, 2003 01:54 PM

There was a MAD magazine satire years ago that said that CBS stood for "Countless Bad Shows". Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if they were right.

Posted by: tangent at December 20, 2003 06:32 PM

Another MAD mag had CBS as a recursive acrynom.

Cbs Broadcast Sucks

Posted by: Peter David at December 20, 2003 07:03 PM

All right. I didn't want to comment on the "muttering to themselves" bit, but after three others did...

Look, man, all I can tell you is that whenever I walk around Manhattan, I always do double takes as I see people muttering to themselves. About half the time they have headsets on; the other half, they don't. Which led me to wonder how we'd actually know if the people with headsets were really having conversations, or just nuts. Which led to the post.

See, this is why I repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly make it clear I'm not looking for comments on the last thoughts. Because I know people are going to either (a) try to show they're ever so much more clever by one-upping them or (b) pick them apart by saying, "Oh, oh, this is just like something someone said twenty years ago."

PAD

Posted by: Jarissa at December 20, 2003 08:41 PM

Thanks, Mr. David et al.

One of my good friends is a guy who works for an ABC affiliate, and I think all of our social circle would enjoy reading this!

You've made my day. :-)

Posted by: Bluejackal at December 21, 2003 04:53 PM

That was simply one of the most hilarious things I have read in a good while... ^_^

Pardon my manga faces, they attack like mad wolves on a wounded rabbit...or...something. I just realized that that makes no sense because manga faces are by no means that ferocious, or perhaps it does make sense and I don't understand myself.

Now, if I knew enough about television, then perhaps I could add my own witty little observation, but because I watch nothing but Cartoon Network, Animal Planet, and Star Trek I'm afraid I have nothing to add.

Except...

The NBC peacock could poke the eye out with its beak.

Although...that has nothing to do with LOTR. Ahh well.

I'll shut up, now.

Posted by: Ben Lesar at December 21, 2003 09:35 PM

This reminds me that there is an eye on the back of the dollar bill, but that is the eye of Horus. Horus backwards is Suroh. If the "h" were and "n" then look what we'd have.

Posted by: Ben Lesar at December 21, 2003 09:40 PM

Sorry, that should say If the "h" were an "n"

Posted by: Ben Lesar at December 21, 2003 09:48 PM

Arrgh! If the "h" was an "n"

Posted by: David K. M. Klaus at December 23, 2003 08:24 AM

I'm afraid the "CBS eye = Eye of Sauron" bit's already been thought of -- a fan named Dean Dickensheet contributed a verse with the line "and the Eye is seen each night on CBS" to the filksong "The Epical History of the War of the Ring" (tune: "The Ballad of Jesse James"), which may be found here:

http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/org/swil/FILKS/filkbook1.html

It goes back at least to the mid-'70s, as one of the song's co-authors, Ted Johnstone (fannish nom de plume for sf writer David McDaniel), died in 1977.

Posted by: Dwight Williams at January 1, 2004 11:22 AM

If Moonves is Sarumon, well...his network twice tried to axe Due South, and it never quite took. Clearly, Sauron was in need of better hench-help from the beginning.

Yours,

Dwight

Posted by: dfdgfdg at August 15, 2006 11:22 PM

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